What is your name?
I am called Jet-Poop.
What is your quest?
I wish I knew. Going to work, going to the grocery store, and going to sleep, day in and day out, just ain't doing it for me.
What have the Romans ever done for us?
They invented the waffle.
What do you think are the main factors in E2 reaching its tenth birthday?
Our superior business and programming model, combined with a dedicated and fanatically loyal member base, has enabled us to ride out a decade of ups and downs, thanks to an innovative creative paradigm of thinking outside the box.
Okay, seriously, it's 'cause we're too cussed mean and infectious for anyone to kill. We're like a spider monkey dosed up on PCP and covered with switchblades. Nobody fucks with a spider monkey dosed up on PCP and covered with switchblades.
What should have killed E2 but did not?
Maybe some of the longer periods of downtime -- you shut Wikipedia or IMDB down for a month, and they'd get replaced by New Wikipedia or New IMDB. We came back with most of our old users, which seems a bit miraculous when you think about it...
Was there a point at which E2 jumped the shark?
I don't think so. There've been some big changes, but I don't see any point where we suddenly became unusable. Obviously, some people disagree, but "jumping the shark" implies that you've pulled some mad stunt that proves you should've been shut down the day before, just to prevent that moment of epic fail. While I do think we've made errors here and there, I don't think any of them were fatal errors.
When alien archaeologists decipher Nate's last copy of the database two million years from now, what will it tell them about human civilisation?
I just hope they won't have a concept of fiction, so they'll think Fine Structure and The New York Magician and The Bear FAQ and The Von Wicked Chronicles and Revelation of the Lamb in Four Parts are all true. That will be hilarious. I hope our ghosts are around to enjoy the shenanigans.
You're known for being generous with the praise and encouragement. Are there some people on E2 you think you haven't thanked enough and should use the occasion to thank again?
Well, first, I don't think I'm known for being especially encouraging. I have spent quite a bit of time trying to get trolls and aggressively clueless newbies to shut up and/or go away. I ain't sensei, fer graud's sake.
And I'm hesitant to single out people to praise and thank -- there are a lot of people doing great things here, whether it's being welcoming and friendly in the catbox, writing brilliant things, doing the hard work of editing and coding. There've been ten years of people doing wonderful things here, and I'd never be able to remember the names of everyone who deserves praise, and I'd feel guilty every time I remembered another name I forgot.
I'll just say -- if you're doing awesome stuff, thank you, and keep it up.
Oh, okay, I'll single out Demeter, 'cause she wants someone to talk about how awesome she is, and she's promised to ching the interview. Whoo-hooo, free chingage!
Your experience and history qualify you as an "elder statesman." What do you think the role of veterans like yourself is on the E2 of today?
I don't think there's any unique role for vets. Some want to edit, some want to write, some want to read, some want to hang out in the catbox. Some want to leave, and that's ultimately okay -- change is part of life, and sometimes change means people want to quit the site, or their lives get too complicated to keep coming around, or they just move on to other sites or other activities.
If there's a role for vets, it's the same role everyone has -- do what you do, do it well, and have fun.
Do you have a message for those who have left the site in anger or frustration?
"Thanks for coming and spending your time here. I'm sorry you're angry. I hope you can come back again some day, and we can have some more fun. If you can't come back, have a happy and healthy life, and try not to think angry thoughts at us too often."
(EDIT: "But please, whatever you do, please consider not nuking all your writeups. Fine, sometimes you nuke some to make sure you can publish them later, but leave as many as you can. It leaves ugly holes in the database. And removing all your contributions makes it like you were never here at all. Please leave us something for us to remember you by.")
Do you have advice for those who might be thinking of leaving?
Like I said before, change happens to all of us. Though I tend to want everyone to stick around forever, it's not always possible. People get more demanding jobs, have kids they need to take care of, get more complicated lives. They decide to reduce their online time for various reasons, they decide to move on to other websites, they grow beyond us, or we grow beyond them. When someone leaves the site, it doesn't mean we failed, and it doesn't mean they failed.
I've been trying to think of what advice I'd have for people thinking of leaving, and I can't think of any. Everyone is different, and everyone's situations are different, and I don't think I have any wisdom that could be imparted from on high for everyone to follow.
In your autobiography, you describe Team Jet-Poop as a "plural affectation." What did you really do with the bodies?
Simple absorption into the Jet-Poop gestalt. We are all stronger together. Surely all will wish to join with us and share in our strength. The absorption is painless, and you didn't need those silly souls in the first place.
Who would you play in the Everything2 movie?
Some guy wearing a Godzilla suit.
Cthulhu willing, do you intend to be here in another ten years?
Oh, I hope so. I get the shakes when I try to imagine life without E2...
This conversation was the result of an ambush interview conducted by masked representatives of the Power Structure. Basically we just grabbed him and applied some harsh interrogation techniques until he talked. Please submit comments to the interviewer or the victim.