Do you remember the day we met, Robert? I was just a grad student, working part time in a microbiology lab, and you kidnapped me and took me to your evil lair to create a plague to unleash upon humanity. You were twenty-eight, and bent on vengeance, and I was just twenty-three and I only cared about finishing my dissertation. You knocked me out with chloroform, and tied me up and held me prisoner. When you ripped the blindfold off of me, I remember thinking how cute it was the way you swore you'd make humanity pay for its sins against you.
Remember that, Robert? Your 'evil lair' was just an empty factory downtown, and you lived in a ratty studio apartment in a part of town filled with hookers. You told me you'd kill me as soon as you were done with me, but we fell in love that night. Remember how we spent that whole night making love, in the middle of the forest of Erlenmeyer flasks bubbling with multicolored fluids? We fell asleep afterwards, with your trenchcoat as a blanket, and when I woke up, you told me that you wanted me to be yours forever.
We were so innocent then. Your dearest ambition was nothing more than to force the U.N. to give you a billion dollars, and then retire to an island in the South Pacific. Later you told me it was me who inspired you to higher ambitions. You said that a billion dollars and a private island weren't enough for me, that I deserved to have every wonderful thing the world held.
Remember how you proposed to me? You flew me off to that spot in the Himalayas where you were just beginning to build your Fortress of Doom. We were penniless; you couldn't even afford a ring for me. So you told me that one day, when all the nations of the world bowed down to us, I would have every beautiful and precious jewel in the world. You told me that legions of slaves would travel from every corner of the world to bring me rubies and emeralds and marble sculptures. You were always such a romantic, Robert. I told you that just being with you was enough. So long as we were together, I was the richest woman in the world. I remember how you kissed me on that mountaintop; I remember how you held me as we looked over the infinite, as the snow swirled around us. I felt like we were spinning, as if an orchestra had begun to swell when you held me close.
I never told you this, Robert, but it was you who made me want to become a ninja. The years I spent studying with monks in the furthest corners of China and Japan? I told you I just wanted to improve myself, but the whole time I really wanted to impress you. I needed to prove that I was deadly, too, so I learned to fire guns and throw grenades and kill men with nothing more than a touch. The skin tight black suit and knee-high stiletto boots were only to make you happy.
Remember that time I tortured that British spy to death? Remember how I made him cut off his hand and eat it, and how he gave us the information we needed to foil MI6? Every minute of it, I was thinking about you. I wanted you to be proud of me, Robert. I wanted you to see that I was vicious and evil, too.
Our wedding was the most beautiful day of my life. I remember us, in that chamber five miles underground. You had abducted a priest, and a henchman held a gun to his head while he made it official. Remember how you kidnapped my parents, so they could see it? I'm sure that if he hadn't been bound and gagged, my father would have told you how much he liked you, and how happy he was to see his little girl married. I know my mother was crying from the terror, but I think part of it was tears at seeing the day every mother looks forward to.
All the years we spent together, Robert. Remember the days that you would emerge from your lab, creating flying venomous monkeys or deadly viruses? And I'd cook you dinner, and rub your back, and help you write manifestos or formulate your demands to the president of the United States. We had all the best things in the world by then - remember how you stole the Mona Lisa to put in my bathroom? Remember the hundred-year-old Châteaux d'Yquem that I brought for our first anniversary? I had to kill five men to get that, but it was worth it.
But I loved you before you were an evil supervillain, Robert. I loved you back when you didn't have a dime to your name, and we were just a couple of kids with crazy dreams, dreams of an army of mutants and giant nuclear robots. You could have any woman in the world now, Robert, but I loved you when you didn't have a single hydrogen bomb or giant laser mounted on an asteroid.
So I didn't understand why you grew distant with me. I felt abandoned. I didn't see you for months sometimes, Robert. I had no one to eat dinner with, no one to play footsie with while watching silly movies. No one to share it with when I abducted the wife of the Prime Minister of England and held her for ransom. That's why I left you, Robert. I felt so alone. The endless corridors of your Fortress of Doom seemed empty when I wasn't walking them with you. Without our laughter, all I could hear was the endless echoes of my footsteps on the obsidian floors. You were so wrapped up in your work. Remember what I said to you when I left you, Robert? "Sometimes I think you love that doomsday machine more than you love me."
So when you married that red-headed woman, the one with the cybernetic brain and the metal implants in her body, I was devastated. I realized that you hadn't ignored me for your work - you got absorbed in your work to get away from me. And I was angry, Robert. Remember the hundreds of black-clad men who dropped from helicopters at your wedding? Remember how I hurled a grenade at you? I missed on purpose, Robert. I had sworn to kill you and that red-headed woman, but I couldn't do it in the end. I couldn't even bear to hurt her, because it would make you unhappy.
All those years we fought each other, Robert. You from your Fortress of Doom, me from my secret volcano lair. I think we both knew that every missile we launched at each other, every bullet we fired, every outer space attack we commanded, was really a symbol of our love. I know it didn't work out with you and that red-headed woman. I heard about it - how she never really loved you, and planned to kill you in the end. How you melted her body down and tossed it in the ocean.
Oh, Robert, I've missed you. Conquering Lithuania left me feeling empty, and it's because I had no one to share it with. We were meant to be together, Robert. Let's conquer humanity together. You and me, hand in hand, we'll remake the world in our own image. Let's make the rivers run red with blood, Robert. Together.
The Von Wicked Chronicles
by Excalibre and Evil Catullus
I remember when it was me who made you want to take over the world and enslave humanity
Latex. High heels. Knives. (Excalibre's writeup)
It's not my fault that I'm so evil
I was a teenage Overlord
Lady Deathblast's Lover
This little light of mine
The Thanksgiving battle
My funny villaintine
Robots and comic books
This wicked life
The education of little overlords
All things truly wicked
Darkness lights its own way
How it all began
Sometimes I think you love that doomsday machine more than you love me.
They are mine. They are dead.
There is a crack in everything
Hell hath no fury like a villainess scorned