Come on....tell me, what do you want me to be? I want to be everything, for all of you ... I just need to know your desires. Don't be afraid. I'm here to serve you.

I could bludgeon some prose into restless submission: 'with a beguiling smile, and three soft-spoken words, she made a sonnet from a dreary day". Not enough?

How about randomness, you like that don't you? 'my gerbil's spangle gland imploded, and now I'm afraid that I can't get to the beefjerkyconfabulation secret level, ack mein leiben Mr Prendergast! And donkeys.

Hmm...you are as yet unfulfilled? Perhaps the heady scent of facts will win your love. I could node the entire leaflet accompanying Ciproxin CH Ear Drops (Ciprofloxacin & Hydrocortisone..fresh to the last drop). How about my favorite Enya album?

Wait...don't leave me, I was just kidding..ha...a..ha. I was really going to rant! That's what you feel like isn't it? An impassioned diatribe denouncing any and all of the worlds infinite evils and annoyances! Don't like monkeys? Me neither. Shiftless little tree jumpers. They could get jobs if they tried, the mangy meatsacks. Even dolphins save people from drowning occasionally, and everyone knows they're evil bastards too lazy to start walking, that zap fish with their ultrasound domes just for kicks. Don't even get me started on fish! They eat all that mercury on purpose, the scaly little shits. I hate hippies too...they're so groovily non-violent. Until you try stealing from the commune's dope plot....*then* go ahead and feel the love through your broken teeth and stab wounds.

I've misjudged again? For god's sake, tell me what you want. I'm dying here. 'BreastZ are good ... and I lik to tuch them and stuff. But bitches dan't want you ta do it. Coz they suck.' Closer? 'Poopy-dooky-shity-wank-cock-butt-norks-peeny-fisting-weewee-sex-bottom'?

Perhaps an in-joke that only two other people in the world understand? 'I will guard it like a precious egg'. Nuh?

You're killing me! I could describe touching and personal aspects of my writer's life; his likes and dislikes, aspirations, disappointments, drunken killing sprees. Ooops..he said I couldn't.

Maybe something else? Please!

...you want me to...what?
Ok. I can do that. Shutting the hell up now.