The Chainsaw Juggler is an extremely funny song by a little-known group called The Four Postmen. It can be found on their 'Looking for Grandpa' album.

Lyric:

Note: the following part in italics was deleted from the re-release of the mp3, which can be found at: www.mp3.com/fourpostmen

(spoken)
You know, Plutarg used to write often of the great and mysterious Chainsaw Juggler.

Hickapoy Indians...documented the famed exploits of the great and mysterious Chainsaw Juggler in their 
smash banana-dye cave paintings.

But never...has the...great and mysterious Chainsaw Juggler been more famous than during the filming of the 
"Texas Chainsaw Juggler Massacre".

This next song's about a....chainsaw juggler.
It's called..."The Chainsaw Juggler".
Rock on, dude.

   Whatever happened to the Chainsaw Juggler?
   He was a good friend of mine.
   And how did you learn to kiss like that?
   Said the man to his German shepherd

It's not polite to talk when your mouth
Is full...of big bumblebees...
But it's quite okay to love your mom
As long as you don't get her pregnant

             Everybody!

(kinda ad-lib...sounds like "la-da-da...")
   Na na na, nee nee nee, nee nee nee nee
          Na na na nee, nee nee nee nee
   Na na na, nee nee nee, nee nee nee nee
There's something wrong with this song!

Cross my heart, yes. Stick a finger in my eye, no.
But wife, I'm telling the truth...
I've slept with your sister, your mom and your dad,
And the second-best sex was you

   Oh, Rub-A-Dub-Dub, three men in a tub...
   Need I say more?
   Jack Sprat could eat no fat...
   So he divorced her!

   Everybody!

I know that there's something wrong with this song
I just don't know what it could be
I know that there's something wrong with this song
I just don't know what it could be

(spoken)
Wait a minute, who's up? Doggy?
No.
Donkey(?)
No...
BONE, KNOCK THAT OFF!!
We're doing a song for God's sake.
Where were we? 
Oh yeah, right
Here we go!
MEANWHILE....

Whatever happened to the Chainsaw Juggler?
He was a good friend of mine
I heard he died, but nobody cried
Instead they all chopped off their arms!

(spoken)
Oh well, when in Rome...

Non compos mentis personum um grata
Envino burita sen ha (*HAAACK-TOOI!*) <--- sound of someone spitting...
E Pluribus Unum, if to err is human
Then boy, am I glad we're in charge!

   Oh, a Buddhist, a Muslim, a nun and a Jew
   Were stuck in a hot-air balloon
   It suddenly popped, and though they prayed as it dropped
   It proves that God hates us all

   Everybody!

(Ad-lib stuff from the first part of the song)
There's something wrong with this song!

(Spoken until it says "Return to Singing")

...And as the wise man stood on top of the hill, naked and disgusting and dirty and...naked...
he shouted down to the angry villagers far below...

     He said, "You may have won the battle, but 
     I'm....I'm...out of ammunition!"

 He said, "Life isn't a bowl of cherries, 
 its...it's.......okay, maybe it is."

             He said, "It's not the size that counts, it's
                           the woman that counts the size!"

  He said, "You can't sue yourself for writing an
     unauthorized autobiography!"

         He said, "If you can't succeed, well then maybe
               you're a...God damn loser!"

  He said, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether
    I win or lose."

He said, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water... unless it's floating face down."

    He said, "If you can't beat 'em, let ME beat 'em!"

 He said, "You can tell a lot about a man by how he strangles you!"

      And lastly he said,
         "Fight for peace! 
               Make love, not war! 
                     Unless you love to kill!"

   Right! And as they stormed the mountain, and kicked him to death, he said one more thing...
He said...

(scattered pleas of mercy follow...this is what I got out...)
"Ow! Ow! Stop kicking me! No, please! Not the head! Not in the skull!  Stop kicking me, please! I'm Dying!"

And as the Martian sat and waved from his driver seat window of his hovering Martian 
spaceship on his way back to Jupiter, he offered these parting words of advice...
He said, "Do yourself a favor and STOP this God damn song!"

 But we couldn't....

   Because we STILL didn't know...

(start singing, people!)

Whatever happened to the Chainsaw Juggler?
He was a good friend of mine
I heard he died, but nobody cried
Instead they all chopped off their arms!

Well that sure makes sense, he was loved by his fans
But tell me, how did he die?
Nobody knows, they found him alone
All bloody with his arms by his side

Everybody!

I know that there's something wrong with this song
I just don't know what it could be
Na na na, ney ney ney, nee nee nee nee
There's something wrong with this
              something wrong with this... 
              something wrong with this...

(a bunch of adlib as the song ends....)
"Chainsaw Juggler!"
"Song..."
"Song."
"Bone!"
"We gotta work on that ending"

Log in or registerto write something here or to contact authors.