April 2, 2002

I was reading at work today, a story called All the Myriad Ways in this collection of short stories I have. It dealt with the whole "alternate universe" thing and suicide, and I got to thinking...(dangerous, I know)...If everytime a decision is made by anyone on the planet, the universe splits so to speak...that means there must exist countless universes in which I've killed myself. Where I'm no longer around. Where I'd listened to that evil little girl in my head egging me on, "You stupid bitch, are you afraid? Are you too weak? Press harder."

No. I don't believe in free will. When I look back I see how things couldn't be any way but the way they are now. (We are living in the best of all possible worlds? Not quite, love.) All the should've, could've, would've nonsense, it really doesn't get to me. I lament the fact, but even I can see that there was no way I would have made the other choice. Call it biology, call it fate, call it the culmination of a million random accidents clustered throughout the universe.

Serendipity. I hate the word.

Something I think that would be useful on the front page: a random word of the day.

Today I get a cable modem. I called for it in December.

Finished reading The Hacker Ethic today.

To-Be Dad Diary:

My girlfriend has something called preeclampsia, which was diagnosed this afternoon and, luckily, caught before causing some of it's more fun side-effects, namely dain bramage and death. Basically it's pregnancy-related hypertension (aka swelling). We have to keep all her urine for 24 hours in a red container that sits in our fridge. Yum!

Sometimes I think that keeping medical textbooks laying around is probably not good for a pseudo-hypochondriac next to my copy of The Worst-Case Survival Handbook.

Big Fear: she dies and I'm left to raise the child by myself. Yeah. It's occurred to me. More than twice.

Big Fear 2: child is born with some "defect." Like watching Ripley's Believe it or Not the other day and the man without a face, eaten off by some bacteria.

Another day has started, another day looking for a full-time job as a work full-time hours with part-time benifits. Part-time benefits, now there is a joke. It means you can work, but you don't get insurance, or anything else. Its short for please work as many hours as possible, but we will pay you less and not give you anything for the work you do.

So I've been doing so digging in regards to Tolkien and came across some things related to Norse mythology. Its pretty interesting. All kinds of stuff they never taught in school, but is interesting to learn. I never had the opportunity to learn about Odin and the other Norse Gods. I found some really interesting web pages complete with full text that is in the public domain. Which means I have some new material to create nodes off of. Send me a /msg if you are interested.

A daylog seemed the most appropriate way to let the E2 community know why I haven't been around as much lately as I used to be.

For the past three years I have suffered from chronic urticaria, a condition much more life-arresting than it sounds. Because all the antihistamine medications and steroids stopped working, I have been without relief for a few months and without medication at all for a couple of weeks. It's an exhausting disease, made even more so by the fact that itching keeps me up several nights a week. I've been nearly useless at work for a while, and when I get home I either take drugs and go to sleep or distract myself for as long as I can. My brain has been like runny oatmeal lately, and the research and formal writing I usually put into my writeups has seemed far too daunting a task.

The good news is that I'll be making the nine-hour drive to Charleston, SC this weekend. I have an appointment there Monday morning at 8am, with the guru of chronic urticaria. If anyone can help me, he can - and if he can't, nobody can. Hopefully, though, I will at least get some relief and can return to noding instead of working on a regular basis.

I had a good morning. My roommate wasn't there so I could turn on lights and play music and all of the things that I can't do when she is there sleeping. I like being alone. Other people are so much trouble.

Which was why I did not answer the pounding on the door that woke me up from my nap during my lunch break. It wasn't my roommate, who likes to knock and save herself the trouble of taking out her key. It was my roommate's friend.

My roommate's friend likes to eat lunch in our room. She pulls me away from schoolwork, lunch, a nap -- whatever I happen to be doing -- to come into the room, flop down on my roommate's bed, and watch Ricki Lake. If I have music on, she turns the tv up loud enough to drown it out. If I am napping and ask her not to use the tv, she gets on my roommate's computer and makes instant message noises. And I don't like leaving for my class with her still in my room, alone.

She has no right to be in the room. Sure, she is Amy's friend, but Amy is not there. Yes, she will be living in the same room next year with Amy, but it is not her room yet. It is mine. I get little enough time to myself sharing a concrete coffin with another being, but she feels the right to infringe on it without even thinking of my comforts, as if I were the interloper.

I'm going to be a bitch about it. She can sit on the couch and watch tv in the lobby. I don't have another place to sleep.

HEY ALL YOU CRAZY MIDWEST NODERS

Every April, my fraternity at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign hosts the biggest party on campus, called Watermelon Slush.  It's the night of this Saturday, April 6th (it technically starts on April 7th at 1 AM).  You will have the following to look forward to:
 

• 12,000+ Jello shots
• 100+ cases of beer
• 15-20 completely overspiked giant watermelons
• Our frat house decorated as a giant watermelon
• 2,000 crazy drunken college kids tearing the house down with another 1,000 outside waiting in line to get in
• You get to meet ME!  And the party is ON MY BIRTHDAY!

So if any of y'all want to come down for it, /msg me and lemme know.  I'll get you added to the guest list so you can get in and give you all the other information you need.