Yeah, it's lunchtime on a day that most of you are yet to experience. Being the first to see the sun of a new day fills one with a pioneering sense. "Onwards to tomorrow Sherpa Tensing! Let's find out what this day has in store for all those that follow."

Anyways, here I am at work. Little else to do other than surf and node. I phoned the employment agency and told my agent to hurry up and do her job - get me a new job. I have been bored for the most part of this year, and finally I have had enough and want to move on to a job where I actually have to work to earn my pay cheque at the end of the fortnight. She said that Monday should bring news. She is putting me towards a job that doesn't quite pay enough. You see I have this final goal left in life that I must achieve. It goes something like this:

Some may consider this a GTKY node (hence it is in a Day Log), so read no further...

Since I was twelve, I have had various goals set in life for myself. I always knew I would get into computing, so at the age of 14 I was taking typing classes at school whilst my other mates took woodwork and metalwork. I knew I would be into management, so took extra classes in Accounting and people management skills outside of school. I went to University and Polytech to earn enough qualification to score my first IT job. I have now, after 8 years of working, reached all but one of my goals. My final goal is to be earning $100K before I am 30. I have a couple of months to go, and a few grand extra required in my pay.

What do I do when I reach those goals? I have no idea. Will I feel a sense of achievement with my life? More likely I will then be lost. I have been striving for the last few years, as I ticked off achievements on my list and saw I was easily meeting them, to come up with new goals. I draw a blank when I try. I have no idea where to, or how from here. I try to look on the bright side and call it "green fields" or "into the unknown", but truthfully I realise it is a huge sense of lack of direction from here on in until I find that next set of goalposts.

I now trudge on, my career moving more sideways than up. I am fairly confident that I can reach that final goal no problems, but that is more of a concern than excitement at this stage.

Oh well, we forge on ahead, hoping that perhaps tomorrow might bring that unexpected pleasant twist of fate. That spark of unpredictability that makes us realise just what life is really about.

To Infinity and Beyond!

I was overtaken by sleep, as usual, as soon as I arrived home after class. While trying to complete my final homework assignment due in an hour, I decided taking a nap would be much more constructive my overall mental health. I do believe I was correct in this decision, considering the homework was not collected and we were released from class a half hour early. More sleep for kaytay, yo.

I am wearing my fat pants today. I love them, but they make me feel incredibly huge. Although I received a very nice compliment today concerning my bottom, I don’t enjoy seeing myself in the mirror. And people shouldn’t be looking at my bum anyways. I am a married woman. Well, not really. I’m just a self-conscious teenage female.

I was thinking about my mind set today after my nap. There are so many depressed people in the United States, and yet we are one of the most luxurious countries in the world. There is absolutely no reason, in theory, for anyone to be dissatisfied with his or her life. Unless over-indulgence contributes to misery, which I’m sure it can in some cases. But still. I have everything I need, and everything I could realistically want. There are minor things I am not satisfied with (read the previous paragraph), but they are extremely irrelevant when other world problems are taken into consideration. Would I rather force myself to be thin in a world of plenty, or have thinness forced upon my body in a world of nothingness?

Sometimes I wonder. Well, I wonder often. All of the time, actually. About lots of stuff, mostly selfishly directed towards my own pursuit of happiness in some direct or slightly more subtle manner. I got my report card today only to find I had a B+ in A.P. Stats. Not horrible, but not wonderful. Being average is worse than death. And yet I do not consider myself particularly overly intelligent. I know I’m smart, but there are millions of smart people. There are millions of dumb people as well. It’s like when I used to be in middle school – I was head and shoulders taller than anyone else in my grade, or any grade schooled in the building for that matter. I hated it. Now I am only an inch or two above most people, and I hate that too.

My brother had some friends over today. They were all parked crookedly in the driveway, forcing me to leave my car in the road. Poor Saturn. I walked into the house, and simultaneously into a cloud of stench so strong I noticed it even with a slightly stuffed nose. Marijuana in my house. I don’t think so. Adam and several friends were breaking up an ounce on the counter in the kitchen, filling the entire upstairs with the distinctive scent of weed. Wonderful.

I found out a friend of mine is dating a twenty seven year old. She’s barely seventeen. It’s a classic case; completely depressed, sad gothic chick known for her self-injuring and anorexic virtues strives to find belonging in a lonely man seeking young girls for some twisted reason. Been there, done that. Only time will heal the wounds she’s inflicting on her wrists and her heart. I only wish I could talk some sense into her.

Hello, me.. It's been about 6 weeks since my last daylog. What's going on?

Good things: Semester over in about 3 weeks. No plans for summer = lots of possibilities. Going to Austin this friday to see Built to Spill. Doing well in classes. Listening to a lot of cool music. Been playing You Don't Know Jack.. c'est fun. I read The Little Prince, what an awesome book.

Bad things: Still sick (my throat, tonsils, and ears are infected.) Not doing my best in school. I am still too serious.. (no direction, no friends, etc.)

I had a (very) short lived relationship, it ended quickly because I decided that I would not be able to have a non-serious relationship without getting seriously hurt. I feel really stuck up. I don't know.. it just didn't feel right.. there was too much lust. As a 19 year old male, you think I would be all for consentual sexual experimentation, but no..

I have the urge to call up or IM my old ex, but I decide not to.. I really shouldn't be thinking about it, but, I wonder if she'll call me in the next couple of months. Well, time to do the one thing I can do, sleep..

---

The next day

My thought of the day: sex scares the hell out of me. Fact: A major issue (explicit or implicit) in all of my 2000 and 2001 relationships (well, I am a loser.. so this is all of 3) has been sex. I do not have an issue with pre-martial sex, however, I do have an issue with casual sex. If I have sex with anyone, I want to be 100% sure that we truely care about each other (or even better, love each other). I have been close to sex on more than one occasion, but I have always turned it down. Now that I look at it, I fear that I did not explain it to one of my ex's and that she mistook my sex anxiety as a rejection... : (

Why am I so scared of sex? Well, I think that I am scared of getting close to people, and it would follow that I would be scared of sex..

---

More random thoughts::
STILL thinking about calling her.

Dear Katharine:

On behalf of the Office for Study Abroad, I am pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to participate in the University of Iowa's Fall '01 Semester in South India program...

I GET TO GO TO INDIA!!!!

I'm about to explode from happiness, so I figured I should node some of my joy.



"An unspeakable amount of pain, arrogance, harshness, estrangement,
frigidity has entered into human feelings because we think we see opposites instead of transitions."
––Nietzsche


I thread lightly on troubled waters, and stir new waves towards the shore. The cold water makes my leg hair stick to my calf, while making my toes white from cold. I kneel, placing my hands out into the sand. I feel the grains entering the crevasses underneath my fingernails. I raise my hands off the sands, only to see the marks left by my hands to be washed off by the waves. I lie back and let the wave crash against my body. My face feels the cold, while my nose detects the invasion of water. I try to get up but I can't. I no longer have the ability to stand and fight against the current. I can't stand the rain.

The end of the day was composed of a phone call but a short one at that. I sat here, contemplating on the upcoming day and what would happen. I gripped the container for my pills, and slowly take out two Ativan. Little buggers. Don't really work but can't get anything else until my doctor comes back from vacation. I then sat here, noding. I got up, only to go outside again, into the balcony. That is my sanctum, where my mind wanders and feels its contact with nature. Where my mind feels truly at ease, even in the coldest of winters, or the hottest of summers. With my red spiked hair, my reflection looks like a flaming ghost of my own image. I turn my back to the window, only to look over the rail. I breathe deeply, as my acrophobia begins to kick in. Quietly, I wipe my feet on my plastic blanket and come back inside.

I lie down, with the tv on. Animal Crackers gives me a few laughs, especially Eugene. As the sleep timer on the tv shut down the equipment, I stared at the ceiling for a few hours. I guess I fell into a waking sleep, where the mind is not conscious but the eyes are still open. The eyelids fell heavy after a while, and I woke as a result. I tossed, I kicked around for a while, trying to find that prime spot to sleep. Finally, I start doing pushups until I drop dead from exhaustion...

Ring. The phone rings. Its the house phone, not the cell. Wait. Its a double ring. Someone is at my house. I pick up drowsily, and let her up. I open the door, and she hugs me. I slowly blink, put on my glasses, and groggily move to the washroom to brush my teeth. She watches me as she talks to me at the same time. She talks to me while I change, and this whole time I didn't even notice until she was there. She grabs my arm as I look for my wallet and my keys. I place my shoes on my feet and we leave for the door. She wanted to surprise me, since we haven't seen each other for so long. We go out for some teriyaki at RPM, then play some Photo Hunt. All this time, I'm always in physical contact and we're always talking so time passed quickly, and more importantly, pleasantly. She asked me to go over to her house to study, but I couldn't as I might have to pick up my sister (In which I didn't). Well, back to my melancholy self.

I log onto E2 quickly and then take a nap. I asked MrFurious to wake me but I thought that he would forget so I alarmed just in case. Besides, I was bothering him at work so I didn't mind if he didn't tell me thats all. After an hour, I start getting ready for work. On my way down, I decide that I'm going to listen to mellow music during the ride to work so New Edition it is. One More Day and Still In Love With You plays in the background while the ride to work. I get out of the car and slowly walk inside. I didn't gel my hair today so they could actually really really notice the red hair. Some complimented it, some snickered. I don't remember who did who so they're lucky or a punch would have been the next answer.

Work was boring but at least it was easy. Just a lot of paperwork. I did see my friend Joanne though. That was a very pleasant surprise as she's pretty cute. I get home, and I sit around for a while. Ring. My friend calls me. I had something to do at the time so I told her to call me at a later time. Since my sister was on my spot, taking the computer, I stood outside my balcony.

It was particularly cold tonight, but with no breeze, and a shallow mist. I could detect the moisture in the air with every breath I take and it was terrifically refreshing. I sat out there, with my jacket on and staring out at the sky. It wasn't particularly clear but at least the clouds were a nice light blue. Just enough of the moonlight shone through. I lean back, with my head against the stucco wall, and start to relax. I slip inside the house, only to bring out my radio and my recently burned korean music cd. I sat out there for a few hours listening to Baby VOX, Fly to the Sky and SES. I don't understand the words but the melody is carried through the night beautifully. I adjust the treble and lower the volume and it became music that dictated a beautiful harmonic mood. Again,I sat there, thinking, dreaming, hoping to fall asleep in the gentle embrace of the cold darkness. But I eventually came back inside, only to see that everyone has slept.

My cell phone vibrates. Its my sweet lady friend. We speak for a while, even during my game of Brood War. Afterwards, she leaves as she has a final early tomorrow morning. Once again, I'm left here in the dark with my beautiful melodies, and my thoughts. That scares me more than the darkness.

The melody plays again in my mind, like the memories wash over me like a tidal wave. It becomes part of my mind, calming me, reminding me of the present and the little things that makes life precious. Such simple little notes, and simple melodies have calmed me down, in a way that even my prescription drugs have not been able to do so. I sit here now, dreaming of her. I can't get her out of my mind. Its the shrouded darkness in the form of a woman that taunts me to find her or find her identity. My heart yearns for her yet I do not know where to start. Let my mind decide where my heart cannot, and let my instinct take over when my mind falters. The night is now almost at an end, and I take my leave. The darkness calls, and I cannot do anything but heed its call. Let my soul be able to handle the darkness. Let this be the end of this day, only to become the beginning of a brand new day...

Dream not so sweetly and look for me for I will only be found in your nightmares. Dream dark, dream deep, for I will be there waiting. Speak no more, listen well. I will whisper to you...
Well, I'm back.

I've been on a little E2 sabatical, and I realized, that I do still like this place. I've missed a lot of the random goofy conversations, yet somehow, I see that they still center around the same topic, Soy!

I've been working hard these last few weeks, I've been in the middle of a couple of projects. One of these projects, is that I am in charge of the ordering and configuring of a new server. I actually have been enjoying this task. The machine will be ordered this week, and I will be here this weekend, or next to set this puppy up.

My other project, lies in my UT server, it is down, and I am upgrading the hell out of it. The parts finally arrived last week. I was so excited when they came, I stopped cooking dinner, and immediately started working on the machine. 2 733mhz processors, 2 20GB ATA100 mirrored set drives, 3 30GB ATA100 RAID5 drives, and over a GB of RAM. All components running on 133mhz bus, and screaming right along. Until my Cable Routing MicroServer is up and running, the server is down, but I should be receiving that soon.

On top of this, I'm looking for a new job, this place has aged me, and I am now surly and bitter. I'm worth more than this place is paying, and I'm out. However, finding a job right now is a little difficult with unemployment so low.

I feel so damned wonderful!

Last night, I acted in a play for the first time in four years. Everyone said I was really good, too. (Ego boost--yay!) I haven't performed in front of anyone for two years (poetry, music, etc), and forgot how good it feels!

I hate the life of an English major. It really is the life of a hermit. You sit all day, reading, writing papers, stuck in some tiny room without sunlight... But being on a stage is unbelievable--orgasmic. I feel alive again!

Argh.

What a very crappy day yesterday and today are turning out to be. No one seems to be giving each other a good break - everyone's only concerned about themselves. Politeness has totally been forgotten. Good manners are no longer practised.

And it seems as though what we're doing in the software industry is becoming superfluous in the world yet again. My mind often drifts to this conclusion whenever my existentialist mentality is the flavour of the week.

Logged on to E2 today and was greeted with a msg from Spiregrain saying,

Hey! Happy Birthday

Very puzzling as my birthday is in February so he's either way too early or very late. I msg'd him back enquiring whether he'd sent it to the wrong person but no he hadn't it was my birthday, it took me a while but I got it.

Today isn't my actual birthday but my E2-day. It was a year yesterday since I first logged on.

So how do I celebrate, I mean I can't have a big party so I guess I'll have to be all spiritual about it and take it as a time of reflection about my time here

On come the rose tinted glasses

Remembering the good times, my first node and my first XP which a joyous feeling of satisfaction and relief that it wasn't voted down.
My first message from Cool Man Eddie (which I've kept!)He spreads so much joy, what a wonderful job
Getting to level 2, a fact I didn't even notice for an entire day.
My first E2 Meet, Monkeys in Soho A-Go-Go which I'm glad I didn't run from!

And the bad times which I can visit every day for a laugh in Node Heaven.
The first time I got downvoted was very upsetting but I got over it and re-read E2 HTML Tags.
My mission drive on Everything is

To learn understand and hopefully teach

I know I'm fulfilling it. Roll on the next year!

Feeling it from last night.....
4th place in the pool tournament sucks, one place away from winning money. JD x five! That along with Harp all night, amazes me that I got to work ontime today. I fuckin should have called Lindsy, it's strikes me pretty strange that I ask for numbers and don't call em. I got two Monday night, including Lindsy's, yet I didn't do a damn thing.

answers sit like bills, waiting
I learned Mr. Brownstone yesterday, I fuckin love that song....reminds me of my own troubles with cocaine. Ultimate tonight, followed by Waterloo and the AMC....gotta find time for Lindsy, she had a cute little smile if I ever saw one.

Well, I'm a pussy.


(If you don't know what I am talking about April 18, 2000)

I didn't ask her out. But I have a good reason. Someone in her family died. I don't think it is right to ask someone out right after someone in their family has died.

On a happyer note, I got a note from the VP at TSS about doing so well on CCC.
That is it for now.

Time has an odd way of passing in this city, I think. It doesn't bother to mark the days, or weeks, like more considerate cities persuade it to do. I could spend foreverhere, and still think it wasn't a week from this moment.

Things have been fair, if uneventful.

This pace will not continue, I think.

...

This format will not continue, I think. I have a mistress for my words now, and it's time i realized why all this started.
It's time once again to play telephone registration! Why a major university would have telephone registration only, when you can register for the junior college back home on the internet, by phone, and in person is beyond me. I can't complain too much, I got most of the classes I need, with a minimum of redialing.

Tomorrow, however, is another day, and indeed, it is friday. Tomorrow night I'm driving out to Austin to see Oleander, Orgy, and The Offspring in concert. It's gonna be kewl.

I blew off belly dancing class last night. I just didn't see the point in it. I'm getting depressed, aren't I? My therapist warned me that this might (probably) happen soon, if not already. It's hard to find good reasons to do stuff. I blew off the drumming circle last weekend, something I've been dying to do for quite some time. My lovely and wonderful daughter gave me some stuff from her job that they were throwing out and I haven't even tried them out yet. Two new 2B signature sticks and a Zildjan crash cymbal! None of my cymbals are this good. And I can't get the energy up yet to put them to the test.

My drums keep calling to me every day when I walk in the door - and I just ignore them. I've given myself permission to draw whatever I want, and I haven't done that either. It's too much effort. Sex is pretty much unimportant too. Maybe I do need some anti-depressant drug. Why should I keep feeling this way? Kind of foolish, actually.

I think I'll make a call to my doctor about this. Stop putting it off, hoping it will go away. It's becoming obvious to me that it won't, and I'll just end up missing out on fun, meeting new people, trying new things, having great experiences, one more year.

The highlight of my day today was going long to Glasgow University Student TV in the evening to while away a few hours. It's quite enjoyable, really. and a little hectic at the start of the News show, becuase we had no camera people. Other than me. As a result, I was trying to set up shots on camera 1, 2 and 3 all at once, without the people in the gallery really noticing that I was responding on the talkback no matter which camera they asked for.

I was on a roving camera for the second show, and managed a shot which I was very impressed with, but the director decided to cut before the good bit. We finished the show with a close up on the two presenters, then as they finished talking, I walked back towards the back of the studio, to give the impression that they were disappearing into the distance. And, er, I walked straight into some chairs, fell over, and got wedged between them and a table.
Anina was impressed, I'm sure of it...

13:08

Er, afternoon?

I woke up late again? Want to know why?

My open-source projects aren't entirely well-coordinated.

The thing went something like this:

  1. I wrote a text file class for easier reading of stuff from text files. Instantiate, open(), and getLine() to get lines. Much easier than the model Java has.
  2. I thought it was cool enough so I put the class to my package of reusable classes.
  3. The package is sort of old. Not managed, the only management is under RCS. I thought moving it under my CVS tree would help.
  4. Some of the files turned out to be unmodified for 3 years. Some 7 months ago.
  5. Changed the stuff a bit to reflect "current status", and slapped some classes @deprecated.
  6. And whoops! It was already 02:30.

Today? Nothing remarkable is going on, but will, I hope...

Time to face the challenges of the day.

(Oh, yeah, want to know what's really annoying? Noting three topics of which no one has been noded about, writing them down to Palm todo list, and then realizing that was all just a dream... =( )

21:27

Yesterday I realized I needed to send my updated furvey today... so I spent some time today updating the thing.

Read Usenet for long time. Explored the Pain of Parsing CGI stuff in C with no libraries to help my cause. Dammit, even Rexx was easier than C what comes to this sort of stuff =)


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Comparision of IRC and Web chats furvey Jupiter Lander Winners Don't Use Drugs

Updated: Do Not Meddle In The Furry Politics...

Log in or registerto write something here or to contact authors.