Well, God dammit...

In my previous blatherings, I described how I valiantly laid it all out on the line for my girlfriend, left no question unanswered and left nothing open for confusion. She was pleased, and thanked me for telling her.

I'm pleased to report that after that, things got better. Then it all turned to shit again. At least now she's not planning to date anyone for awhile. Heh.

Apart from my divorce in January, this is the first "breakup" I've ever gone through. Of course, I still live with her, we still have a very good friendship, and things are officially "paused" and not "over" while we both figure out who the fuck we actually are.

She and I have both recently come out of unpleasant relationships; mine was a good amount nastier than hers was, but still, it was hard for her. She's got her own demons to find, beat up, and remove from her life, and I suppose I've got mine.

I have to say, though, that letting go of this relationship even temporarily is pretty damned hard for me. I don't fully understand why sex seems to be such an integral part of an intimate relationship to me, but it is, and I'll miss that part of this one. Everything else we have going in our lives together continues on -- now we just don't do the really fun bit anymore.

Working out my own issues will prove to be a challenge -- I have a lot of self-confidence issues, despite my relative success since moving out here to California for a fresh start. I'm not "on my feet" yet, which I'm sure bothers her a bit, but she's still right there at my side to help me when I stumble and encourage me when I need it. The work load is overwhelming here, but ultimately I'll be able to handle it.

The next few months, while we both work hard on work-related things, try to resolve our own internal (mental/emotional) issues, and get used to each other while she works towards being ready for a relationship again, are going to suck.

It will suck mostly because I know after we both emerge from this period of introspection and self-healing that even when she is ready for a relationship, she may not want it with me. That officially sucks. One of the few things left that keeps me going is the hope that she'll ultimately want to pick things back up with me. The relationship itself is really good -- it's strong, effective, passionate, and loving. In fact that's all still there, and won't be going away. I hope when we're both healed a bit more and are feeling ready for something more long-term that she'll still feel that with me. If she does, it'll be absolutely wonderful for us both.

So, um, how the fuck does one go about fixing one's self-esteem? It turns out my ex-wife did more emotional damage to me than I realized, and there's shit that needs healing and there's other shit that needs to be faced down inside my head, fought, beaten up, and purged.

How the hell does that work?