Well, God dammit...
In my previous blatherings, I described how I
valiantly laid it all out on the line for my girlfriend, left no
question unanswered and left nothing open for confusion. She was
pleased, and thanked me for telling her.
I'm pleased to report that after that, things got better. Then
it all turned to shit again. At least now she's not planning to
date anyone for awhile. Heh.
Apart from my divorce in January, this is the first "breakup"
I've ever gone through. Of course, I still live with her, we still
have a very good friendship, and things are officially "paused" and
not "over" while we both figure out who the fuck we actually are.
She and I have both recently come out of unpleasant relationships;
mine was a good amount nastier than hers was, but still, it was hard
for her. She's got her own demons to find, beat up, and remove from
her life, and I suppose I've got mine.
I have to say, though, that letting go of this relationship even
temporarily is pretty damned hard for me. I don't fully understand
why sex seems to be such an integral part of an intimate relationship
to me, but it is, and I'll miss that part of this one. Everything
else we have going in our lives together continues on -- now we just
don't do the really fun bit anymore.
Working out my own issues will prove to be a challenge -- I have a
lot of self-confidence issues, despite my relative success since
moving out here to California for a fresh start. I'm not "on my
feet" yet, which I'm sure bothers her a bit, but she's still right
there at my side to help me when I stumble and encourage me when I
need it. The work load is overwhelming here, but ultimately I'll be
able to handle it.
The next few months, while we both work hard on work-related things,
try to resolve our own internal (mental/emotional) issues, and get
used to each other while she works towards being ready for
a relationship again, are going to suck.
It will suck mostly because I know after we both emerge from this
period of introspection and self-healing that even when she is
ready for a relationship, she may not want it with me. That
officially sucks. One of the few things left that keeps me going is
the hope that she'll ultimately want to pick things back up with me.
The relationship itself is really good -- it's strong,
effective, passionate, and loving. In fact that's all still
there, and won't be going away. I hope when we're both healed a bit
more and are feeling ready for something more long-term that she'll
still feel that with me. If she does, it'll be absolutely wonderful
for us both.
So, um, how the fuck does one go about fixing one's self-esteem?
It turns out my ex-wife did more emotional damage to me than I
realized, and there's shit that needs healing and there's other shit
that needs to be faced down inside my head, fought, beaten up, and
How the hell does that work?