Barack Obama Hussein is the first radical left-wing extreme-Muslim terroristic elitist pro-abortion liberal Negro to con a major party into nominating him as President of the United States.

He was born somewhere outside the United States. We don't know exactly where, because he won't show us his real birth certificate, but it's pretty obvious that it wasn't in America, because otherwise he wouldn't hate America. His parents were Muslims and that, combined with his upbringing at a radical madrassah in Indonesia (which, we have it on good authority, is closely linked with both Hamas and Hezbollah) makes him a card-carrying Muhammad-worshiper himself.

After a very uneventful youth which, it should be noted, involved no time at the Hanoi Hilton, Hussein got into Harvard Law School because he was black and Muslim and hated America, and all three gave him preferences in Harvard's affirmative action program. While at Harvard, he got onto the law review by bribing professors with cocaine being supplied by his Marxist-Stalinist FARC buddies in Bolivia.

After law school, Hussein carpet-bagged his way to Chicago and started helping the Communist Party underwrite sleazy mortgages for crack addicts. Later in his career, Hussein was instrumental in helping Fannie Mae executives cheat homeowners out of homes which they would have owned after paying the remaining $400,000 on their mortgage, thus causing millions of hard-working plumbers to have to resort to renting in the midst of a Chapter 7 filing.

While he wasn't busy destroying the American economy, Hussein was building a political career for himself as a state senator in which he (a) never administered anything, ever, and (b) never voted on anything except the killing of innocent unborn children and furry animals, such as baby seals and pandas. He decided to hide his Muslimness by going to church, but it wasn't convincing because it was a black church and because his pastor hates America and wants Americans to die, which is fine by Hussein because he isn't really American.

He got a break in 2004, when a smoke-filled room consisting of Nancy Pelosi, Howard Dean, Louis Farrakhan, Jesse Jackson and Osama bin Laden decided that John Kerry was not un-American enough to defeat the Republican Party. So they decided to use the very junior senator from Illinois as a keynote speaker at their convention. He had just been elected over Alan Keyes after ritually slaughtering several fetuses in the name of the Muslim Goddess She-Ra, who is one of the virgins you get in heaven if you blow yourself up. It's in the Koran, look it up.

Anyway, he was popular after that speech because he liked the idea of redistribution of wealth, and because he was black nobody would argue with him about it for fear of being called a racist. This, and the fact that he's a stealth Muslim (but not fooling smart people like me) makes him a valuable weapon.

Despite all this, I think I'm going to vote for him. Otherwise Sarah Palin will become vice president, and as far as I'm concerned, you don't have any business in the White House unless you have a set of balls. Also, if Barack loses, all those black people are going to be even angrier, and that's scary.

I'm just hoping he isn't a space alien because that would be a real mindfuck.

Source: Some phone calls I just got from polling agencies, and also some e-mail from my uncle who watches Fox News a lot.