mostly, i don't even think about it. it's not something i am or i'm not, it's just a distinction people sometimes use for various purposes that have little to do with my life. rationally, i do understand that i'm female. it's not something i question. but quite often, i get the feeling my attitudes are more those of a boy than of a girl.

for instance, i just filled a nodeshell (come home with me) with a silly story, and once i saw the title i had a very specific idea of what i thought should go there. and i tried to write it as a boy (though real boys will probably say that i failed to do it convincingly), and didn't think about that until just now.

it's not that i feel confused - soul searching brought on by insomnia aside, i know that i prefer boys to girls. i dress like a girl because womens' clothing is more interesting. but i think nothing of wanting to be a geek, thought nothing of wanting to be a professional skateboarder all those years ago. i'm full of post-feminist rhetoric, because it most closely approximates how i define myself, and because the idea that some people will still judge me first and foremost by my gender strikes me as weird and even dangerous. if i defined myself in a word, the first to come to mind would not be one with expressly feminine connotations. it would probably be dork (not derisively, i'm just an acknowledged spaz).

i wonder how common this is, if it's something a lot of girls experience, given the upheaval in our concepts of womanhood resulting from traditional feminism, the de-mystification of female sexuality, the increasingly popular idea that the best heroes are anti-heroes? i see a lot of what i'd describe as girly-girls, but i know it can't be just me..

girlotron: a-fucking-men.