mostly, i don't even think about it. it's not something i am or i'm not, it's just a distinction
people sometimes use for various purposes that have little to do with my life. rationally, i do understand that i'm female
. it's not something i question. but quite often, i get the feeling my attitudes
are more those of a boy
than of a girl
for instance, i just filled a nodeshell (come home with me
) with a silly story, and once i saw the title i had a very specific idea of what i thought should go there. and i tried to write it as a boy
(though real boys
will probably say that i failed to do it convincingly), and didn't think about that until just now.
it's not that i feel confused
- soul searching brought on by insomnia
aside, i know that i prefer boys to girls. i dress like a girl because womens' clothing is more interesting
. but i think nothing of wanting to be a geek, thought nothing of wanting to be a professional skateboarder
all those years ago. i'm full of post-feminist rhetoric
, because it most closely approximates how i define myself, and because the idea that some people will still judge me first and foremost by my gender strikes me as weird and even dangerous
. if i defined myself in a word, the first to come to mind would not be one with expressly feminine connotations. it would probably be dork
(not derisively, i'm just an acknowledged spaz).
i wonder how common this is, if it's something a lot of girls experience, given the upheaval in our concepts of womanhood
resulting from traditional feminism
, the de-mystification of female sexuality, the increasingly popular idea that the best heroes are anti-heroes
? i see a lot of what i'd describe as girly-girls
, but i know it can't be just me..