I have often come across very depressed SUVs. These off road vehicles are built like tanks and are probably the only cars that can survive the kinds of roads found in the developing world. Yet, these Olympic beasts, the WWF wrestlers of the automotive world, are enslaved by the rich. I remember one Range Rover in particular. I was walking in an affluent neighborhood in Vancouver when we met. It looked at me sadly, an invisible tear held back in the darkened headlight. The paint job was immaculate, the leather interior was spotless, and the fake diamonds which studded the automatic (automatic!) stick shift, glistened in the moonlight. It was beautiful and it had everything that a car could ever dream of. Yet, it was unhappy. In fact it was miserable. I placed my hand on the hood and whispered that one day I would find a solution. It understood me and silenced its own alarm as I ran down the alley and hid from the police.

There are Range Rovers and other SUVs like this one throughout the western world. They are used to take the kiddies to ballet class, to drop off the dry cleaning and for errands at the shopping mall. The most adventure one will ever see is the short journey to the nearest ski resort. Meanwhile, while living in the lap of luxury, these vehicles muse every moment of their dull lives of adventure. They fantasize about dirt tracks and potholes, about near vertical climbs and the danger of the jungle, the desert, the mountains. These cars, my friends, need to be shown a different life than that of the smooth paved one of the world’s metropolises.

And herein, lies my solution. The SUVs of the world must be emancipated and sent to where they belong. Show a Range Rover a piece of the road in Cambodia or Africa and watch as a slight tremor passes through its metallic body, a mechanic metaphor for a wagging tail.

This is your mission. Go out and save those SUVs. The people of the poorer nations deserve SUVs and SUVs deserve to work alongside the people of the developing world.

Some might say that I am condoning auto theft. I say I am trying to make this world a better place for all.