This waiting thing is really harder to master than I thought it would be. Those times in life.. where nothing is really going on.. Learning how to enjoy this time for a while, instead of searching for the next battle or conquest.

Earlier I was ranting to a few friends about feeling as if my lack of edge, wanting and having it.. is this post-modern hell that has been obtained by introspection?

No longer do we live in the 80's where proving things to everyone else was the idea.. we have progressed past that into convincing ourselves. Some people seem good at justifying and convincing themselves of what they want to hear.. others.. well they have a decent grasp on what's up.. nothing will ever be perfect.. and as much as we can learn from our mistakes.. our humanity will be the reason why we sometimes repeat them..

If only convincing everyone else life was kicking ass left and right was enough to give a feeling ok "it's all good".

I sometimes wish for a reason to suffer. Beyond my existence.. something worth suffering for. Something I felt that my suffering could aid. A Gandhi-type thing.. or taking the hit for the good of the cause. I can't think of something that my pain would really ease, or would make a difference large enough to justify it though.. I mean.. for that to work.. I'd have to be more than some ranty chick in Florida. I think part of this is due to the fact that I have no real strife. I have a roof over my head, and a bed to sleep in.. what the hell am I complaining about? I've been in worse situations than where I am now.. trying to make a 1/2 pizza feed 2 people for a week, not knowing if I would have a place to live tomorrow, basically something that was an immediate, possibly life threatening need.. My health isn't good.. I'm not "happy", I feel unsure.. big fucking deal.. oi.. I hate the fact I feel the need to justify not being satisfied.. I hate the fact that my justification doesn't really make me feel any better.. it's just an excuse, isn't it?? Why can't I buy into it?!

I thought about relationships today.. well I have the past few days.. relationships I'm not in anymore.. there are a few people who I really wish I could communicate with still.. just to let them know why I did what I did.. I seem to be bad with getting that out at the time, I am usually too freaked out and paranoid with running away.. by the time I feel secure enough to talk.. it's too late and the lines of communication have been severed. I was going to send letters to a few people, but I think they really would rather I didn't. They seem to be doing fine without my two cents.

As I read through some of what I just wrote.. I think I concentrate on the "what's wrong" too often. I mean.. whose life doesn't have regrets, or feelings of "i should be doing more".. I sometimes think I forget to obsess on some of the better parts that make it all worth it.. To rehash the things that make me feel that it's all been worth it.. and I'd do it all the same if I had to again. I'm often afraid to do that though, because I hate the bittersweet feelings that come.. because unlike all things.. good or bad.. "this too shall pass" or they have passed already.. fear that it may be a long time till I feel that way in the present.. I guess it goes back to that waiting thing.. waiting out the hills and valleys..

waiting sux.