November 20, 2000 (idea)

Still at work. I could probably go home anytime now. The boss is out all week, though he's not too strict on the hours anyway, so why am I still here?

I've been reading a lot of nodes that deal with people's relationships, and while I'm not especially happy to see that there are a lot of lonely people out there, I am sort of relieved to know that I'm not the only one.

I'm really starting to feel a strong need for female companionship. And it's not about sex or hormones either (I can take care of that problem myself). But what I really want is someone who makes me feel special and someone who I can increase my life ambition and give all of myself to. I want someone who I can be close and personal with; someone who will care about me, and who I can show the ultimate care for. Quick kisses goodbye, tickling, flirting, staring deeply into her eyes: I want to experience those tiny signs of affection that mean we're so much more than just friends. I want to go to sleep just once without being alone.

I need a girlfriend. I don't care that there will be downs with the ups on the relationship rollercoaster, I want to ride. I'm getting more self-confident, and I've got a lot of previously untapped energy. Now I just need to find a way to meet someone and have the courage to introduce myself.

I haven't heard back from Kawana. I was expecting this to be fairly likely to happen. I figure it's no big deal because getting involved with her on a personal level was sort of a long shot. I'll try to go back and visit her again in a couple of weeks, just to see if I haven't completely scared her off.

My muscles still hurt like hell. I think the pain is starting to subside though, peaking in intensity at around 2-3pm today. Even my neck hurts now. I'm going to go to the gym now to walk for about 30 minutes, though I wonder how long it will be before I can even try to do any weight training again.

I really think sometimes that I could be just as happy, if not happier if I were doing anything else. At what point in life did I trip and accidently start travelling the path of social ignorance? Just WTF is it that I'm not getting and everyone else does? I have next to no common sense when it comes to how to deal with people and make new friends. Where do people learn this stuff? Did I miss school that day? Why am I on the short bus?

I need someone to guide me, and show me what it is I'm doing wrong.

I need new glasses, but I'm getting really tired of wearing them. I'm never happy with any of the glasses I've worn over the past few years. They always look either too big or too small. I spend at least an hour picking out frames when I do buy them. The glasses I currently wear frequently give me headaches. The second pair of glasses I owned also gave me headaches. I'm really getting tired of this crap. Maybe I can save myself all of this hassle by just getting contact lenses.

It seems like glasses are a negative image for guys, though I've always thought that women who wear glasses look so much more attractive because it shows that they don't mind looking intelligent. This doesn't seem to be true for guys though. I think I might give contacts a chance. Anything that could potentially improve my self confidence should be tried at least once. I may become a geek without glasses, but I can live with that if it helps me to attract the opposite sex. At least I'll be trying something different.

That reminds me: I need to reschedule my appointment for a checkup with my doctor again. I forgot to go last wednesday, and my perscriptions for high blood pressure are going to run out soon. I really hope that I can stop taking these damn perscriptions after I lose weight. Using artifical chemicals to modify your metabolisim can't be good for you in the long run.

I can't take it any more. I'm bored, tired, and depressed. I'm going to sleep now. _Alone.