"It'll offer you everything you've ever wanted, but it's all just pictures on billboards; dream cars, dream woman, dream houses.....time to wake up now and say goodbye."-Tom in The Invisibles:Counting to None
Excuse me for a moment, for I am being selfish today.
Sometimes I feel like jumping off a bridge. Sometimes I want to end it all, say goodbye, give in, and give up. I dont want to be a part of this world anymore. And I feel like I am already too caught up in the sticky web of life and all its idiocies to attempt to just abandon my desires and ignore my thoughts, my urges, my likes, my dislikes. I don't think I am going to be able to try and let go of the things that run through my brain at all hours of the day.
I never sleep really.
In a way I think somewhere in my subconcious I fear it, or I fear the process of trying to sleep.
When I am completely alone, and in the dark, this is where the chaos begins in my mind. I have nothing specific to focus on and so I focus on everything.
It is fucking maddness!
My Dad would probably assume I was pyscho if he knew some of the thoughts that sprout up out of nowhere in my mind.
Yeah, sometimes I feel like jumping off a bridge,
say goodbye, let it all slip away.
But I don't. I probably won't ever succeed in doing it. I feel too guilty I would feel like such an ungrateful, pathetic, little
brat if I did.
Course I guess I couldn't think anything at all at that point, but...
No, the guilt would stop me, has stopped me in the final moments. I just break down and cry for a while before getting angry at myself and at the world for the 50 thousandth time.
Seems like it's become a repetitive pattern.
The anger, the frustration, the despair, the feeling that I am completely alone and insignificant.