"He who makes a beast of himself
gets rid of the pain of being a man."
Hunter S. Thompson
I'm not me
Although this may not sound entirely terrible or shocking; I'm not the same person I was six
I don't like the change.
I'm not trying to stay the same person for my entire life, change is the only constant (to quote some Zen Buddhism
). I accept change, but I don't always like it.
What bothers me about my most the changes I've undergone since around July
of last year is that I didn't know anything about the changes.
Basically, alot happened in 2000
for me, and I was aware of it all, I played an active role in my change. It seems that 2001 has brought on a new type of change to my life, that which I am not only unaware of, but that which I have no control over.
The way I'm changing is changing
I think my standards have been lowered for some reason, I'm not so selective about what I do. Last year (meaning around April or June of 2000) I wouldn't have done something if I didn't feel like it. Now
, on the other hand, I see myself going through all these motion
s and not caring about what is happening around me. I've seen my friends grow away from me, although we still talk and hang out, it just seems like motions, like what friends are supposed to do
, but there is no direct intention or meaning behind our friendship
Don't get me wrong, I value
the few friends that I have, I would never want to lose them. I just feel like I've become "just another person" to them, like they've grown accustomed to me, and I've changed from a person who they liked to a person
Tonight I had the first really meaningful conversation
with a friend of mine
in a very long time
. This wasn't even much of a conversation it was basically him saying "You've changed... in a bad way, and I care
". It meant alot to me in so many ways.
Other than this, I can't remember the last really meaningful conversation I had with a friend.
I'm also much more antisocial
than I was a year ago. I haven't made a new friend in a very long time, (my last girlfriend
was probably the last "new person" that was introduced into my life, and she has sadly fallen to the wayside of my life
I like meeting people, I like talking to people, I'm just not good at making new friends, or approaching stranger
s. I do fairly well with the few people I know, I never get into real fight
s with friends or girlfriend
s, I just don't do well with the induction of new people into my existence.
I used to be able to.