"He who makes a beast of himself
gets rid of the pain of being a man."
Hunter S. Thompson
I'm not
me anymore.
Although this may not sound entirely terrible or shocking; I'm not the same person I was
six months ago.
I don't like the change.
I'm not trying to stay the same person for my entire life, change is the only constant (to quote some
Zen Buddhism). I accept change, but I don't always like it.
What bothers me about my most the changes I've undergone since around
July of last year is that I didn't know anything about the changes.
Basically, alot happened in
2000 for me, and I was aware of it all, I played an active role in my change. It seems that 2001 has brought on a new type of change to my life, that which I am not only unaware of, but that which I have no control over.
The way I'm changing is
changing.
I think my standards have been lowered for some reason, I'm not so selective about what I do. Last year (meaning around April or June of 2000) I wouldn't have done something if I didn't feel like it.
Now, on the other hand, I see myself going through all these
motions and not caring about what is happening around me. I've seen my friends grow away from me, although we still talk and hang out, it just seems like motions, like what friends are
supposed to do, but there is no direct intention or meaning behind our
friendship.
Don't get me wrong, I
value the few friends that I have, I would never want to lose them. I just feel like I've become "just another person" to them, like they've grown accustomed to me, and I've changed from a person who they liked to a
person they know.
Tonight I had the first really meaningful
conversation with
a friend of mine in
a very long time. This wasn't even much of a conversation it was basically him saying "
You've changed... in a bad way, and I care". It meant alot to me in so many ways.
Other than this, I can't remember the last really meaningful conversation I had with a friend.
I'm also much more
antisocial than I was a year ago. I haven't made a new friend in a very long time, (
my last girlfriend was probably the last "new person" that was introduced into my life, and she has sadly fallen to the wayside of my
life).
I like meeting people, I like talking to people, I'm just not good at making new friends, or approaching
strangers. I do fairly well with the few people I know, I never get into real
fights with friends or
girlfriends, I just don't do well with the induction of new people into my existence.
I used to be able to.