Before:
He tends to wander into my life at his convenience, though, more often than not he is in
a moment of despair, trying to find comfort in the familiar. I am someone's familiarity.
Intriguing, I suppose, considering I’ve not much in the way of comfortable feelings when I talk to him (not anymore). I feel awkward, as if I should be telling him to leave me alone, as if perhaps I should tell him that you can't
hurt someone as bad as he hurt me and expect the forgiveness I've given him. It's too late, for that, though, he's aware of the understanding I have for his
ignorant insensitivity and he isn't thankful for it, he takes it for granted. I do not love him anymore. I can't completely let go of three years of my life, either, it feels like if I do that I'll lose pieces of myself I'm not ready to, I might not ever be ready to.
I can't decided if my feelings are based on confusion, compassion.. or stupidity.
There is nothing between us that would constitute a
friendship, but he would call me a friend if someone asked, I'm sure. This is because I am his friend. He just hasn't been mine for a very long time. I don't care, anymore, because even though losing a
best friend and a love beyond that all at once nearly destroyed my little heart, it also opened a door behind which some infinitely
dreamy humans happened to be partaking in lives that I am now a part of. This could not have been were it not for the end of
us.
Yet.. I don't think it is the end. I'd be foolish to believe something like that could just
fade away, and I'd have to be completely willing to let it do so in the first place. It would seem that nothing ever
truly ends.. though
this makes matters more complicated, I think I like it this way.
After:
My ex came online
tonight, again.. and we ended up exchanging many words, and he finally revealed that which I had known all along but he wouldn't admit. He's been seeing someone and he "loves
her very much". This bothered me to a point, I guess, but not as much as it might have
a few months ago. He also said he still loves
me, and wants to be my friend, and for me to be his. I've been his forever, he was just
too caught up in himself to care. I am too forgiving. I am not trusting, not of him. He said it again, "
I've no reason to lie to you", but he had been, he did many times, even after the last time he said those words.
He called tonight, after the online conversation even after I told him that I really did not want him to call. (He kept pushing and I gave in.) While I waited for the phone to ring, I thought of the little human in my life now who happens to be very dreamy,
supportive, and
painfully honest. I also wondered why I am not
strong enough to just tell him to stay out of my life. I guess it's because I really don't want to lose three years.. maybe I need to come to the realization that I can hold onto the good times we had without having him there. He is a jaded, self-centred fool.. he still cares, this I know, I believe that, but he wants the best of both worlds and I know in my brain he does not deserve my friendship. Now to
convince my heart..
This day has been trying. Very trying. My heart is sore, my brain hurts, at times tonight I just wanted to give up, and.. I love my life. Even though it is hard sometimes, I love it. Thank you,
little dojen, for being, and you
little yoshi, for the same.