Ya know,

Sometimes life's alright. This is one of those rare times when everything's where it's supposed to be.

I thank God (or insert whichever omnipotent being you wish to; or none at all)

I wanted a bigger house; I got a better house.

I skidded and failed (Thanks to the Almighty) to hit either kitty or big, ugly phone pole.

I am at home, one of those things I haven't really had in a long time.

Houses come, and houses go, but there's a lovely old truth in "the home is where the heart is."

My heart's still home. Despite our disagreements, problems etc. we both have hearts and they occupy the same house.


This girl and i 'met' only about 5 months ago, i say met because we have been familiar with each other for years but only because my friends were friends with hers. we never spoke directly but i always noticed her looking at me on the rare occasion of us being in the same room together, and i always looked back because there was something about her i liked. She has a lot of friends who are guys and for this reason i always thought she was taken so i never thought twice about her.

Now fast forward to about 5 months ago. one of my friends introduces us. And we quickly started spending a LOT of time together watching movies, going to bars and generally finding out about each other. this is when i realised i REALLY liked her. She told me some very personal things about herself and i also told her things of the same nature. This made me even more attracted to her because she is a very shy girl and i know it took a lot to tell me. i also made my feelings clear at this point by asking whether she would like a boyfriend, to which she said yes in an embarrassed kind of tone which made my heart melt. i then asked if she would go out with me and she said maybe when we get to know each other more. She then said the thought of a relationship scares her as she previously had a (i presume rocky) three year relationship which had ended. fair enough i said, you will be worth the wait.

Now after five months of getting to know her and my opinion of her shooting through the roof i ask her if she has feelings for me, to which she replys 'yes, but not enough to be your boyfriend' the reason she would not go out with me is because she is 'scared she will mess me around and be messed around.' but it is clear here that we are two people who could have a very serious, loving relationship that could go on for years or eternity should she allow me.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do now, i know she has feelings for me but she is very protective of herself. Over the last few days we have poured our hearts out to each other and it is clear she was damaged by her previous relationships and says she wouldnt want the same to happen to ours. She also keeps saying she is scared that SHE will 'mess things up' and it will end up being all her fault and this hurts me because i know she is just scared and is aching to be taken and loved.

I have told her exactly how i feel and dont know what else to do she is smart, funny, totally intelligent, goddamn sexy and we have a million and one things in common. If we never did get together it would be a blatent waste of two people who could definitly go on to love each other. She has told me she has feelings for me but she just doesnt know how to go about getting them across to me. It would be total waste and a damn shame if we never got together because i have deep, deep feelings for her and i think she is simalar. How do i connect with her and make her understand that whatever doubts she may have, they should be put aside at least for this one time.

still life in Venice

where the air’s kind of thin
       and so are the bodies

she sat knock-kneed on the stoop
her red sweater unhinging itself
loop by loop
                     day by day

wiry muscle showing through
where it isn’t supposed to be
facing the seawall
                        sadder than Marilyn
     busying herself in cleanliness

she ran away on September 5
                gave up a few weeks ago

she didn’t intend to suffer
she prefers to think of it as
     things don't have to be that hard

but other thoughts roll around in her head
oh, what happens in there
                           from 7 to 7 to 7

they’re all up in there  
                             we’re all down here

         bad news with no messenger to shoot

I was invited to a poetry competition in Dublin airport, which I thought was very strange for a start - however, the strangeness only mounted when I found that the competition was to be held in a darkened, soundproof Plexiglas enclosure, using luminous pens and ink, so that you had this effect of shadowy figures hunched over a dark surface, glowing writing appearing beneath them as if by magic.

The competition was starting, but there was a phone call for me at a row of payphones outside the booth. The male voice at the other end asked me if I was going to write a poem and I said yes, and he said "Good, good..." and in his voice I could hear a strange kind of hunger and anticipation. I asked him why he was calling me and he said "Oh, no reason, just go back to the booth and write the poem..." I looked around and here and there I could see people looking at me out of the corners of their eyes. I began to get suspicious, and I realized that my sister was also in the booth trying to write a poem, so I went to get her and we made for the airport exit. The men, I realized, were hired by a woman that my father had known a long time ago, called Ginger. I didn't know why, but she was planning to kidnap us, and the poetry competition had been a ruse to catch us off guard and confine us.

The exit was down an elevator, but when we got to the bottom we found ourselves in the basement of an ancient stone house, with a dirt floor and innumerable rooms and corridors and moss creeping between the stones and the roots of trees winding through the walls and splitting them in places. This was Ginger's house. No one had been down here in a long time. Pursued constantly by footsteps and voices, we tried to make our way through the labyrinth. In one room that we passed through there was an old wooden chest, which I opened.

I took out a silver pendant on a black chain, which had my dad's family seal on it as well as Ginger's initials, and my sister and I realized the same thing at the same time: Ginger was our mother. Our dad had had an affair with her and we were the result, and he'd concealed this fact from us for our whole lives. "This explains everything!" I said excitedly. "Our whole family history, why Dad always seems ashamed of something when he meets us, why she wants to kidnap us, why Mum is so sad all the time, everything!"

We finally emerged into the daylight, and Werner Herzog was in the garden making a documentary film. He glared at us as we tried to make our way past, and I realized that he was now married to Ginger and was in on the kidnap plot. We went back into the house and grabbed bits of metal and stone to use as weapons, and I said "Be ready for anything." We came out again and walked calmly to the gate. Herzog looked as if he would try to stop us, but changed his mind and we walked free.

Outside we met Ginger and her other children. She was crying and seemed lost in the forest that surrounded her house, which was old and full of life. She didn't seem like my mother. I thought of Mum, the person I'd thought was my mother all my life, and she still seemed like my mother. Ginger's children didn't seem like my brothers and sisters; they seemed strange and hostile and unaware. All of that past seemed meaningless now, just a story. We turned our back on the old witch and walked away through the woods together.

I was asked to apply for a newly opened job post this afternoon, which means, the powers that be have already discussed who might be best suited to the position. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

I am golden where I am, but there really isn't anywhere up for me to go. I would be moving from autonomy to supervisory. Supervisory in a place where I would have quit long ago had I not been transferred out. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Boss of me to boss of 16. Exchanging a private office in the outpatient clinic for a cubicle in the centralized office for inpatient coding. Exchanging a limited job for one that could be a stepping stone to a higher managerial position. Exchanging specialization for a more rounding out of my experiences. Exchanging a good working rapport with a staff that already holds me in high esteem for a higher salary and upward mobility. Exchanging a certain present for a possible future. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

I haven't figured out yet whether I am trying to talk myself into it or if I am trying to talk myself out of it. This going to take some serious thought.

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