"if i could rape the day, and find the things i thought i'd always known"

I've been.. listening to the same song for a day, and a half, I guess, almost continuously. "Don't you get tired of listening to the same song, over and over?" No.. no, it is.. the backdrop to the way I'm feeling the things that I am thinking, it's as if I'm not really listening to anything, I just know that this is the song I'm supposed to be listening to right now. A neat feeling, really.

I went for a walk, a typical walk for me.. "I'd walk the water to get back to you, and where I was complete." I was singing the song quietly to myself as I watched the little wood ducks, possibly mallards, swim into the slender blades of cat tail reeds. This usually doesn't happen until the end of my walk, and they generally don't swim away they just land gently in the water. I should have known that.. my walk was over before it started, at least any peaceful aloneness that might have been. My little brother started riding his friends motorbike around and wouldn't leave me alone, thus I just got to smell exhaust the entire time. It was kind of chilly.. I'm still glad I went, though I missed the best part of the sunset and walked through wet field with no socks and thus had cold, wet toes. (But cold, happy wet toes, I think.)

I have.. many reasons to be happy and few to feel anything but.. dreamy, maybe.. but there is this stuff hanging over my head. Her, of course, her who would throw such things in my face, I dislike it when she talks to me. I can't tell her that, I've never been good at being mean, I guess this is a good thing.

My birthday party.. number of people who are coming is slowly dwindling, I don't really care. I'm sure I'll have some amount of fun, regardless.

This day seemed shrowded in negativity, yet, rarely did a smile leave my face.. peculiar, most definitely.. I know why, though, it's not so confusing at all. It is.. you.

I'm going to.. write a letter to myself tonight, place it away in a drawer and a month from now I'll read it, somehow I'll have something to remind me on that particular day. (Perhaps the simple scrawling of "r.l." for read letter on my landscape calendar would suffice.) It's a good idea given the way things have unfolded as of late.