This node contains sexual material unsuitable for minors and the sensitive. You have been warned!

It was last year, during a trip to Amsterdam that was to involve far too many drugs, too much alcohol and much "window shopping"

The four of us were walking beside the canal on the main street of Amsterdam's red light district at about 4pm. We had just stopped and given the 2 guys stalking us some fuck off vibes, scaring them off. As we turned to continue walking, a guy beckoned us into a side alley: warily, we followed him a little way in (maybe 6 feet). He offered us some tickets to a "show" that he said we would enjoy. Having already spent several hours smoking cannabis and drinking coffee and beer, we agreed and paid over the perhaps 7 pound fee. He led us across the street, crossing a bridge to a set of steps guarded by a stereotypical blonde dutch guy. Aforementioned Dutch guy said, rapid fire, "Sticky Licky Sucky Fucky" (and some other words, which I forget) and led us up the stairs.

Inside we were looked over by some huge, scary bouncers and handed over our tickets. The room was maybe 10 metres on a side, with a low ceiling and a few rows of benches in front of the small stage. Everything was painted black, which struck as a little strange for some reason (I was stoned, don't expect me to make sense)

We sat down in the front row, on the empty side of the room and waited for the show to start. Whilst waiting, they played a generic American porn movie on a projection screen. By this point, I was more than a little nervous at being here. (tangent: why does an attack of nerves sober me up so quickly? Does adrenaline destroy inebriation?)

Everyone hushed as the screen rolled up and the curtains moved back on their noisy motors. Revealed was a very hunky guy with permed blonde hair sitting on the floor dressed in an old overcoat. Enter stage left: A tall dark haired woman dressed in a little black dress, complete with glitter handbag and stiletto heels.

The scenario was "Posh girl shags tramp" (that old chestnut? heh) After some undressing and kissing, she pulls down his pants to reveal a very large willy, to the audible astonishment of several of the men and women watching. What ensued was a little boring and mechanical: blowjob, cunnilingus, her on top and finally doggy style. I briefly wondered why he didn't ejaculate, but then realised that he is prolly performing for hours and hours...

More projection porn, then Miss whiplash comes on stage. Full leather and rubber gear, complete with whip. Why, oh fucking why did I sit in the front row? Help! Thankfully, she catches my eye and I shake my head slightly (phew!) So, she hauls this poor guy onto the stage and proceeds to whip him, then he gets to insert a leather dildo into her. He misses (D'oh!) and hits her ass instead, causing one bouncer to move ever so slightly closer to the stage. She copes with this unwarranted penetration quite well, laughing at the guy and kicking him off stage...

More generic projection porn. Then an older woman comes on stage smoking a cigar... well, you can guess what she did with it. However, the smoke ring trick got her a round of applause.

Well, that's it. About an hour of "entertainment", then leaving for the suddenly bright daylight outside.

I must admit, I was expecting more... sexiness. Unfortunately I have to be pragmatic and admit that the performers have prolly been doing those same shows for months or even years... They can hardly be relied upon to inject life and eroticism into something that old to them...