the music becomes a little like a perpetual diary

i've been looking at this a lot recently. i've been trying to find in her again what made me feel like that in the first place.

i've been trying, do you know how hard? to connect the past with now.

i've been grasping to remember what it was that made me love her. because now, everything she does seems to annoy me on one level or another. things are a mess, it's taking it's toll on both of us.

all the things about you that would drive me wild still drive me wild, but now in a different way

i want to love her again, i try to, because i still care for her, because she still loves me, because i don't want to break up with her. because it would hurt her deeply. the way that she hurt me.

yes her. over two years and i still can't bring myself to say your name.

do you hear me RACHEL!

there, i said it, as if that somehow means you no longer have any power over me.

don't get me wrong. i don't love her anymore. i don't miss her, i don't want her back. but i want to be able to have again what i had with you. i want to be able to love that completely, to be able to give myself to another, heart and soul and everything. but i can't.

broken. did you here me? i feel broken.

and leaving this town makes so much sense...