Four months ago I would have expected tonight to be wild. I would have expected to be drunk as fuck at some random club in Miami with a drink in one hand and a whore-ishly delicious girl in the other. I wonder what has changed in the last few months.
My friends have changed. I used to hang out with a bunch of drug dealers and alcoholics that were really only looking out for themselves. I didn't really care too much for them. These days I consider my friends to be family. Though many of them are still involved in drugs and alcohol, life isn't solely about getting fucked up anymore. The girls I used to hang out with last year were strictly whores. Though they didn't directly take money in exchange for sex, it pretty much boiled down to that in the end. Today I'm happy to say there are only 4 or 5 girls that I associate with, and I would be willing to take a bullet for any one of them.
My focus has shifted. As opposed to being a minimalist, I actually want to do well in school. I want to show the world what I can really do, and by that I don't mean how many consecutive shots I can take or how long of a keg-stand I can do. I want to change things in the world.
I'm not as confident as I used to be. I used to be able to walk into a room full of strangers and walk out with a handful of new friends and maybe a phone number or two. I guess what I'm calling 'confidence' is really just cockiness and arrogance. I need to find the right balance in this area.
I've wandered a bit further off the road of sanity. I'm not as sure of things as I used to be; I'm always second guessing assumptions, especially my own. I feel lost. Last year I was fairly satisfied with my life. Today, I don't know what I'm looking for. The things that used to make me happy have lost value, and I'm left with a bit of a hole in my mind. I'm missing something, I just don't know what it is. I'm okay with this; this newfound uncertainty has changed my outlook on life. I'm exploring new aspects of life and giving everything and everyone an honest chance before I rule them out.
The biggest thing that I can say has changed is how I feel about other people. I guess I've learned that life isn't about me and me alone; sometimes caring about other people can be okay.
I feel like I'm growing up and moving on, and I'm happy about this. I can only wonder what this next year of life has in store for me.
Happy birthday to me.