This is from my stump speech that I am giving while going around the country announcing my bid to become the Republican candidate for President of the United States of America in 2020. I hope this will provide you with MANY new learnings that you can apply to your life and to making your life better for just yourself and no one else. You can contribute to my campaign by sending an uncancelllable check for $70,000 ($164,000 for couples and famililies who aren't grossly large).
Hello! My goddamned name is Berhardt Illych Goats and I am running for President of the USA! Can I hear a round of applause? I can't hear you! Give that shout really loud people! This is happening! We are going to make America like it NEVER was before! Such great news!!!
You all know, like I do, that America is rich with a subservient workforce. But, that workforce has gotten out of control! They are not working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, without so much as a SINGLE break. What are they doing instead? They are BEING LAZY. How are we supposed to profit off their labors if they are (a) Not going to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week as mandated in The Holy Bible, and (b) Going to have "entertainment options" open to them that are superior to working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, under brutal, unsafe conditions with mentally and (severely) emotionally unstable supervisors and managers LIKE GOD INTENDED?
Brutality in America needs to be taken up ten to thirty notches as soon as possible (ASAP in Internet Kiddie Lingo). We all know this to be true, but we are loathe to accept it. Imagine an America where the average American worker is beaten severely four times a day by mentally and (severely) emotionally unhinged supervisors and managers? Imagine the INCREDIBLE productivity we would have. Imagine how your portfolifio will rapidly expand as investments pay off BIG TIME and you can afford a higher grade of meat for YOUR TABLE. We absolutely need to subjugate the working classes as we did in the past, but in today's cultural climate we MUST use over-the-top forms of physically, mentally, and emotionally cruel actions to bring the American worker under our yoke and put them in the coal mines where they are needed.
I have a concrete plan to build and utilize livestock trucks to round up anyone who looks idle at the point at which we drive past them. People with non-military tattoos and piercings other than a simple post if they are a woman will be forced into these livestock trucks even if they appear to be occupied with work activities. This will be THE LAW under President Berhardt Illych Goats and millions will die in my first pograms. There will be blood. It is necessary for the land bleeds and I will feed it with the blood of brutally treated and viciously and thoughtless killed Americans who will first be used to do work that is both demeaning and physically harmful in nature. And it WILL CONTINUE.
How do we begin this absolutely wonderful and positive program for America? It can only start if we first make the moves that we must in order to remove the twin scourges of science and mathematics from America.
As your president, I fully intend to become involved in freak shows. This is a lost art form that the liberals took from us. We want freaky looking people in cages for our entertainment. If you were born with a deformity then it is time to perform for the wealthy and noble classes. You WILL have NO other purpose in your life other than to eat hard tack crackers, drink reconstituted piss, and leave your shit in a pan that will be emptied by other worker class drones after it has sat in a very hot room with no ventilation with you for several weeks. This will be a typical broiler pan.
We CAN have this in America. We CAN, if we support the right candidates and policies that will make it happen. I am one of those candidates. You will vote for me now.
Science and mathematics are both confusing and wrong. We know this to be true, and yet we listen to the nattering arguments from ignorant "mathematicians" and "scientists" even though every single practitioner of "mathematics" and "science" is destined for Hades for the crime of believing in stupid, ignorant things like "mathematics"and "science." We must endeavor to put an end to the iron grip they have on America. We can do this by IMMEDIATELY making the practice of "mathematics" and "science" to be illegal and punishable by The Chair. You know this is the right way to do things. You can feel it in your prostate. Feel how it quivers at the thought of putting "mathematicians" and "scientists" on The Chair and sending all those volts through their bodies. We can televise it and run a lower amount of current through the body than normally done so that they linger for days and we can keep pulling the lever in front of a live television audience. You know this is what must be done now. There is no other way.
You can pull a scientist's body apart is so many different ways. I like to get horses for it. I like to do what is known as to "draw and quarter" a person in front of a live television audience of my devoted followers, who will ALL partake in the consumption of human meat. It will be served to them at our banquets without them being informed firsthand. Afterwards they will be made to know. The blood lust will develop. There is no other way.
I want to begin the true human ascension within the next six to seven years. My presidency will ensure this timetable is adhered to. I have already contacted factories and livestock trucks can be manufactured in bulk as soon as I give the green light. This will require me being elected to the office of the presidency first. Your vote and your $70,000 can help make this a reality. We WILL rise to the level of GODS on the backs of the working classes and by eating the poor. Many recipes will be made available as you begin to develop a taste for human meat and embrace my policies (which WILL require that you consume human meat - ALL Americans will be forced to do so by ANY means possible). There is no other way. Is this NOT the kind of America you want to live in? This is the kind of America that will be unlike any America you have ever known before. Your votes and your $70,000 sent to Friend Behr, in care of General Delivery, Post Office, Utica, New York. You will do this. You will jet off a check now. You know it is the right thing to do. Can you not smell the smell of victory that comes from cooking your neighbors on a gas grill on your deck for your rich friends as you laugh and laugh and laugh about how your station in life has been improved by The Behr Presidency?
There is no other way.
Back to the subject of mathematics and science and the best ways to elimate them from our lives completely and how to get the American people to embrace the extreme torture and killing of practitioners of mathematics and science.
A child is taken from his or her mother's breast and forced into the horrible liberal schools that have been built around the country to indoctrinate our young into the ways of out of control liberalism and they are forced to learn the false subjects of mathematics and science, both of which have been proved wrong so many times and yet they refuse to BELIEVE. Is this right? Is this what you want for your young ones? Once upon a time we had Little House on the Prairie and The Waltons and Happy Days and Benson and now we have NONE OF THESE THINGS. Instead we get "learn your mathematics and science so you can work in the field of technology and medicine."
And I will tell you why. When you subject the young to learn subjects that are inherently false (and PROVEN to be so) such as mathematics and science you are warping their very minds. They NEED to orient their minds towards joining the workforce, the food chain, or a country club, depending on what kind of family they were born into. ALL movement between the classes will CEASE and I WILL impose a caste system on the American people that will involve the regular flaying of liberal leaders in town squares followed by dragging them around behind a cart on the DIRT ROAD IN THE TOWN SQUARE while villagers cheer on the righteous downgrading of their former SLAVE MASTERS. There will be a change. A wind is blowing through the trees. I have come to urge that wind FORWARD.
All books, articles, magazines, movies, and plays about mathematics and science will be STOPPED immediately and everyone involved will be SHOT IMMEDIATELY in Times Square on live television so that the liberals stay home instead of complaining. When you watch twenty-four hours of your neighbors being disembowled and eaten by members of my West Wing staff, you are disinclined to go outside and express your opinion. You will INSTEAD keep your head down, go to your 24 hour a day, 7 days a week job to be beaten soundly by your supervisors and managers as God intended.
All these books and movies and such will be thrown into a big burning pile on the National Mall along with the bodies of millions of those disembowled in the first days of my presidency. This will be televised, along with Times Square events, and small events throughout the country, as these foul practitioners of false sciences are torn apart by animals on the Hallmark Channel. This will be THE WAY. The age of permissiveness will be AT AN END!
Do you have any mathemetics or science in your home? Get them out now because if you are found with this contraband in your home after I am elected, you will be gutted, torn apart by animals, and eaten in a White House banquet. This is not what you want. You want to give up mathematics and science and embrace the wonder of work. There will be no breaks for my workers, as idle hands are the Devil's work. You will accept your place. Waivers are only available if you join my military, MY MILITARY, or if you are chosen for the breeding pits. If you have over ten million dollars in financial holdings, you will also be exempt and will be invited to join the new nobility of my blessed system.
Pits and camps are your only options if this is not true about you. Members of your family who are slackers will be shot in front of you and allowed to linger for hours before they pass. There is no other way.
We will be building an all-encompasing sphere around the United States of America. We will do these over ALL objections by the courts. Those who object will be objectified, disembowled, torn apart by animals, and their body then burned on live television. Order will be imposed and maintained. It is necessary to foster my new economy. This new economy is based on a cheap, around-the-clock workforce, breeding pits, and the use of failed humans as a food source. We will live long and we will prosper. Praise Behr! That is what they will say after my order is imposed and maintained.
Destroy all mathematics and science that you see around you NOW. Prepare for what is to come and keep those uncancellable checks coming in. I go to the post office regularly to look for the envelopes.