When it comes to liberalism there are two questions to ask yourself to find out if you are a liberal. These two questions cut to the core and reveal your inner thoughts and feelings, bringing them to the surface where they can exist like beached whales.

The first question is, if you were watching a pornographic movie and your mother appeared in it suddenly, would you turn it off or continue watching it? A real American will turn it off. A liberal will say, "Well, this is weird, I should check it out." Which would you choose?

The second question is, if you had a huge crush on this girl or boy in high school and forty years later you ran into this person in a bar and they had become fat and disgusting, but wanted to do you, what would you do? The real American would consider his social standing, and his duty to country, and reject this person on principle, belittling them for their decline in appearance. A liberal will pretend to be sensitive to weight and ugliness issues and do the person right there in the hotel.

If you answered the first question as you would keep watching, and you would do the person in the second question, then you are a liberal. If you answered as a liberal for the first question and as an American for the second question, then you are a social liberal and an economic conservative. Conversely, if you answered as an American for the first question and as a liberal for the second you are a social conservative and an economic liberal and you are a fucking mess.

Your friend Behr (me) is a true American and a patriot despite the fact that I am bald and was born in Germany during wartime. My father was well placed in the Army during the war, and in the years after the war he became a triple agent, working for the United States, the Soviet Union, and a commercial fishing venture. He arranged for my mother and I to move to Baltimore in the 1950s when Charlie's Angels was on television, and the rest is history. I am an American.

America reached the pinnacle of its greatness during The Middle Ages, a time of knights, swordplay and villains. While small kingdoms battled it out in Europe, the United States was building an empire that spanned a continent, and they had appointed a president. This president would have total power over the empire and make all decisions on his own, as is originally laid out in the Constitution of the United States of America. God bless.

Then something started to happen. This disease of the mind we call liberalism crept into the minds of the people. It was sickening. They wanted greater freedoms, they wanted checks and balances to limit the authority of the president, and they wanted a free press rather than a newsletter put out by the president's office staff on a fairly irregular schedule (which was irrirating to many). They also wanted the right to watch porn movies with their mother in them and have sex with someone they liked in high school who got fat and ugly forty years later. Thus were the foundations of liberalism, in this sickness of the mind that makes people want these things.

This is what is true about any number of things that you can think about. And we all know that but live in some kind of denial about it. Yet, we know. Take The Curious Case of Benjamin Button for example. I saw that movie in the theatre and I didn't understand it at all. There were too many insider liberal jokes in it for my taste. And that is what is wrong with America.

How can we "Make American Great Again" when this disease infects so many, especially the young and inexperienced, who are more likely to find the idea of watching their mother in a porno movie intriguing. They need to be steered away from that with prayer and intervention. Yet, the liberals have placed so many of themselves in the school system, keeping our children from being prayed for, and thus they are cursed by God. It is a vicious circle, and at no point in the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button are these issues discussed. They are not even touched upon. This is how the media lies to us.

Instead of movies reminding us that The State must come before personal needs, they give us fare like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Iron Man where the lead character flies around in the colors of the Soviet Union as if this is the new normal.

I did my own polling recently, at the shithole bar I hang out at sometimes, and I asked everyone there, ten guys, how they felt about what Donald Trump is doing for our country. Eighty percent said they loved what he was doing. Ten percent said they weren't sure and ten percent didn't know who he was.

And that pretty much proves the point about the dishonest media. They claim President Trump has low approval ratings, but I can walk into a bar with ten guys in it and eighty percent approve of President Trump. That says a lot.

I got a job a few years ago as a fully tenured professor of history or something at a Greater Baltimore University. I am currently serving a lifetime suspension from that job for speaking out again Obama and his hostile takeover of the country. They accused me of ranting, of not making sense, but I did it for the people. And that also proves my point. Where were all these protestors when Obama was in office?

You might have neighbors, co-workers, or even friends who are liberal. You can't choose your neighbors, who you work with, but you can change your friends. Whenever I need to change my friends I go to Applebee's and scope out the bar for a guy sitting by himself who looks like a real American. It has worked out well for me so far. Six months ago I became friends with a guy who wears a red cap. I thought it was a "Make America Great Again" hat but it was a Cincinnati Reds hat so I was mistaken about that. I don't really know about his politics at this point, because all he wants to talk about when I see him is how much he wants to do the hot bartender that works at that Applebee's on the weekends. But he's a good friend.

To some degree it is true that you cannot choose your co-workers or neighbors, but there are things you can do. I had a group of "libbies" as I like to call them who moved in to the house up the street from me. It was very uncomfortable, living so near people who had a disease that was potentially contagious, so I took some steps that some people might call drastic.

I began by gaining secret entrace to their basement, unlocking an outside door while I was at their house after being invited for dinner. I did so after I had grabbed the woman's buttock when she walked by during cocktails. This set off an argument between her and her husband about why she hadn't slapped me, and so I took advantage of the opportunity and told them I was going to the bathroom when instead I was ducking down into the basement to unlock the outside basement door from the inside.

That went smoothly until I got distracted because there was a glass bottle on a shelf in the basement that had some kind of syrup in it. The bottle was open, which was almost as curious as that case about Benjamin Button, and the bottle was only half full, yet it was being kept on a dirty shelf in a filthy, unfinished basement where there was a lot of leather straps, blindfolds, handcuffs, riding crops, and other assorted oddities that are part of the liberal lifestyle. I had reached a real lion's den of liberalism.

I had to get these people out of my neighborhood before they attracted other liberals to the area, or God forbid, infect one of my conservative neighbors. These weren't every day liberals, these were some serious liberals, which is the worst kind.

There were some action figures, the classic kind from the 1970s, on another shelf in the room and I was distracted by them more than I had been with the half-finished bottle of mystery syrup. I don't know how long I was playing with them for, but the young liberals who owned the house eventually figured out my ruse and came downstairs. She was dressed in some kind of get-up with shiny black boots that went almost to her sweet spot, tiny leather shorts and a pink sports bra. He was wearing nothing but a bathrobe. I was concerned.

"See anything you like?" she asked me with a smile, at which point I noticed she had what looked like a dog collar and leash on the man liberal. At this point I realized how deep I was in. This house was not just the home of two hardcore liberals, they were also feminists! I was scared out of my mind and couldn't think straight. I found myself praying that my friend Chopper would show up, because he would know what to do, but my prayers went unanswered.

I imagine if you are a liberal you've probably been in this scenario a hundred times, but I'm an American and I have never seen the likes of it. She had the man on a leash. She was going against nature and that is unnatural. I could see the draw of liberalism now. This woman, dressed like that, was very arousing to look at. I knew it was the devil talking, but I kept imagining doing it with her and I couldn't stop. Where was Chopper?

Limited in my options with the hardcore liberals getting closer by the second, I thought about what I could possibly do to stave off this attack and potential infection. Thinking on my feet, I grabbed the half-bottle of syrup and threw it at the man's head. It hit him directly in the skull and cracked it. The woman stopped moving and stared at me as if I had done something wrong. She was obviously a feminist and I am old and bald, so again I was very limited in my options.

"Have you thought about adopting traditional conservative values?" I asked her at that point. "I can help."

I usually put that on a big cardboard sign in the back window of my 1973 Pontiac when I am driving around town. I have often been asked to convert people and have been successful most of the time, even though most of my customers who pay the $5,000 price for being converted are already pretty much regular Americans as opposed to liberals.

She was more concerned about her husband than she was about politics at that point, and demanded I help her husband while she called an ambulance. I went on to tell her how much I appreciate our brave first responders and our troops in the field, at which point she began screaming at me like a feminist, telling me to watch her husband while she called 911. I didn't want to have any part of this mess, which had been caused by liberalism. So, when she was upstairs calling for an ambulance I snuck out the door to the outside I had unlocked earlier and slipped out and went home.

If you are afraid of liberalism, or think you might be suffering from some of the symptoms, and you are in Baltimore, keep an eye out for the green 1973 Pontiac with the older bald man driving it. There will be a sign in the back window offering to help you adopt traditional conservative values. I will help you, if you are not too far gone. We have a network of people like me in every community in the USA. Look for that type of sign in the back window of a car and ask for help. That is what we are here for. To help.

So, now that you know liberalism is about watching your mother in a porno movie and having intercourse with people who have completely let themselves go, perhaps you will think some more about your affiliations and who you have pledged your loyalty to. Liberalism will soon be over, likely through Executive Order and then the revolution will truly begin. Be excited. I am.

Lib"er*al*ism (?), n. [Cf. F. lib'eralisme.]

Liberal principles; the principles and methods of the liberals in politics or religion; specifically, the principles of the Liberal party.


© Webster 1913.

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