One of my favorite things to do is to go into a grocery store and look for food items that people have opened and fiddly-fucked with in some way. Maybe there are fingerprints or finger scratching in there, maybe a spoon was used, maybe just a tongue that doubles as a savage and ruthless killing machine, but it has clearly been fucked with.
I take this item and I go up to the register and, after waving off disclaimers, I INSIST on purchasing the product. Then I look around for a large-breasted woman and walk right up to her and say, "How did you get here? The Big Titty Express? Fuck you, bitch!" Then I push her down hard enough for her to require hospitalization.
After that, I go out in the parking lot and I eat that fiddly-fucked with food item. ALL OF IT. And I do it in one sitting without stopping.
Can you even CLAIM to have done this? Not likely. There is NOTHING any human being can do that would count as a greater achievement than that. NOTHING. NOTHING.
You people are playing in the minor leagues. Seriously. Grow up.