Agoraphobia is an oft-misunderstood condition. Pretty much everthing
I've read about it has been either overly clinical or wrapped up in
platitudes that only fellow panic disorder sufferers can understand
that make it sound more benign than it actually is.
I am an agoraphobic. I didn't ask to be one, I am not depressed, I
am in fact a fairly confident person. My intellect is reasonable
and my ambition strong. By agreeing to pay my taxes and obey (most of)
the law, I am by most standards a model citizen. The kind of person you
could introduce your parents to.
Yet as I stare out of the patio doors, I'm reminded of the person I
am for most of the outside world. In here I am my own person; oustide
I'm a nervous wreck. If I'm not on the move constantly I panic, and I
mean constantly. Stopping to tie my shoes - the anxiety swells. Gotta
pay for that book you've been after - expect to panic in the queue.
The problem is being outside feels so goddamn surreal. Being at
home I feel normal for the most part. I recognise these few rooms I
call my own. Yet when I step outside and lock the door behind me I'm
struck by an overwhelming sense of unfamiliarity - like my entire life
has turned into the lizard fuck scene from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't take long for this to cause a panic.
I know it's all irrational. My mind knows this, it knew it before
I'd developed this disorder and it'll know it after it's gone. There is
nothing to fear. Of course at home in my academic ivory tower I
understand that panic attacks are harmless. My initial strategy was to
face up to my fear and expose myself to the panic attacks. Yet when
you are faced with three panic attacks per day, it's not long before
you are drawn to your house as the only place you can feel safe.
Conditioning is more powerful than the rational mind and human beings
are imperfectly evolved.
A lot of people even wonder what a panic attack actually is. What
makes it so scary? What even makes it scary enough to avoid leaving
your own house? I can only talk from my own experience of course, but a
panic attack for me starts off with a sudden intensity. Suddenly, you
feel hot and dread sweeps over your entire body. Your surroundings
feel surreal and thoughts immediately turn to how you could possibly
get out of this place if you needed to. If your current situation
doesn't allow for an easy escape, your thoughts turn to how long you
have until you can be at your 'safe place' again. Ten, perhaps twenty
minutes? Perhaps until the evening? Perhaps until tomorrow evening? The
longer the time, the worse the panic. Your chest tenses up and your
breathing becomes short and frequent. Then you wonder - could the panic
cause any severe physical problems? After all, a cardiac arrest can be
cause by shock, can't it? "Oh Christ, don't think about that" you
tell yourself and then you look around and wonder if the people around
you can see that you're acting slightly strangely at least. Does your
body language give it all away? Who knows, who cares, let's just get
the hell out of here and back home as quick as possible. NOW.
You can imagine that having this happen every time you go outside makes you think that doing so might not be such a great idea.