So am I really just not as
smart as I thought I was? Did I just think the bullshit I bitch about was
meaningful?
Does nothing I say have any
value of any kind? I know I've always noded about noding. It's a bad habit to shake.
I have the urge to try and work my way up to the level of most of the noders I admire, but I seem to be struggling. It's been so long since I've been caught up in E2. I mean..I know that all that shit was written in
High School (look at the dates on most of the nodes and also my
Nodegel Visualization).
I desperately want to be considered apart of
the intelligent noder group.
I don't want to turn this into some kind of 'Fuck E2' rant, because that's not how I feel.
Recently, the only noding I've done has only managed to DISCOURAGE any further noding on my part. I have things I would like to say, but I am afraid of the outcome.
Most recently my nodes have been nuked on the basis that they were 'noding about noding'. I dunno if these nodes were a desparate attempt to convince myself and/or others that I could somehow get myself back into the noding game or not.
Maybe because I'm not settled down in the position in life that I desire I can't find a solid footing to get myself back into the swing of things here.
Don't get me wrong..I LOVE e2. I LOVE the people. I loved being in Boston, not only for getting to know the people I've admired for a long time but also because I made a step in the right direction for where I want to proceed in life. I've at least explored another enviornment than the one I currently reside in. And it has exciting and stimulated me.
I don't know if I'm writing this in order to get words of encouragement or if I just felt the need to bitch about getting a node nuked right off the bat again :)
I don't know what I expect from everyone else. Respect. Love. Caring. A Hug.
I just want to find my place that I thought I had had when I was just a little boy in HS. E2 was where I wanted to be in that time period. I want to go back to those days. Or at least re-insert myself into the machine that is E2.