I am a small man trapped in a large man's body.

I'm sure there are other tall men out there who can sympathise with me here. I've always been a tall person, I've always been physically strong, but I don't think I've ever felt tall. My personality has never really suited my body.

That was going to be the start of a node I was going to write, until I realised it was going to suck if I kept going at it the way I was. It annoys me that I can't write the way I'd like to, as well as I think I should be able to. Whenever I try to write a node on here, I start to ramble, to go off on tangents, and never seem to be able to write a concise, self sufficient piece of work. Which is why I daylog.

I was going to write the above node because, well, I often don't like my body, my shape, my physical presence. I can look in the mirror sometimes, and not recognise myself in that person that's staring back at me. When I don't think about what I look like, I can be myself, and be comfortable, but if I'm doing something and start thinking 'What do I look like right now?', I am immediately put off by the thought.

I don't think I'm ugly. I just don't look the way I want to look. I'm a lot smaller inside than outside, both mentally and emotionally. If this were the Matrix, my residual self image would be a lot shorter than I really am.

I'm clumsy, I'm goofy, I look stupid when I try to be comfortable with my body and just let myself go. I feel like I should be more graceful, more certain of where my body is and what it's doing. Sometimes I can be, but it takes a lot of effort.

But, whatever. I get like this sometimes. There are times when I am happy with my body and the way I look, and when I finally get off my ass and lose some weight, those times will probably be more frequent. Meh.

Anna has finished her course, which just rules, she's feeling extremely good about it, as you would expect.

Damn I'm tired, I can't concentrate properly.

It was Melbourne Cup Day yesterday, a public holiday in Victoria, so I had the day off work... Anna and I were burning CDs at her place all day, music CDs for her 21st. I would've preferred to stay in bed all day, but this had to be done, so we didn't even really get to sleep in much, unfortunately. We haven't been able to have a good sleep in morning in ages, because her parents won't let her drive her dad's car when it's dark, and she works late both Friday and Saturday nights. :o/

Hehe, I hope Anna gets over her E2 addiction soon... if you're reading, do us both a favour and upvote her Scratch My Back node, it's her only negative reputation node, and she's obsessing over it. *grin*

Ah well, work. Bah.

Reading tes's node makes me want to contribute, but as I go down the list I realise I don't have the ability to articulate what I feel about most things on the list, and I don't have the time or motivation to research the facts of the others. It's a shame, this site could become a great resource, and it'd be nice to be able to contribute something other than daylogs.

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