The movies always get it wrong, so I thought I'd give the correct procedure to you fellow noders. Just something to think about when you feel you have contributed all you can to everything.

Make sure you answer these questions honestly and carefully, because you won't get a chance to change your answer later on. If you did answer 'yes' to all the questions listed above, then you are ready to slash your wrists.

  1. In the 24 hours preceding your suicide, drink several glasses of water. This will help enlarge your veins and make it easier for the blood to escape when you make your cuts.
  2. Go and get your straight razor. If you do not have one, I strongly recommend going out and buying one. Use your credit card. A scalpel or fresh X-Acto knife will also work. The important thing here is that we are looking for a sharp object. You are going to be cutting your own flesh here, and if your utensil is not sufficiently sharp, the cut will be painful, and you won't have the inclination to do a proper job.
  3. Fill a tub with hot water. You want your water to be hot enough to plump up your veins and keep them open as your blood escapes, but not so hot that you will have trouble relaxing. Bath oils will also help here.
  4. Now you're almost ready to slash your wrists. Strip down, lay back in the tub, and try to relax. The hardest part is coming up, so be sure to think of all the pain and suffering in your life, and how much better you'll be when you end it all.
  5. As soon as you are ready, take your right arm and turn it palm side up. Hold your razor in your left hand. If you are left-handed, reverse these instructions. It is important to make the first cut with your bad hand, because otherwise, in two steps from now, you'll need to slash your good hand with a hand that is both unfamiliar and draining of blood.
  6. Place the tip of the razor on your forearm, about two thirds of the way from your wrist to your elbow, with the blade facing your palm. Now slash down, along the vein, towards the wrist. Make sure you slash straight down. You don't want to sever any tendons for your hand, since you'll need the use of that hand in the next step. Too many Hollywood movies these days get it wrong and show suicide victims slashing across the wrist. This is impractical, because:
    1. It is harder for the blood to escape your body, and you will die more slowly, and in more pain.
    2. If you slash as deep as you should in this way, you'll sever your tendons, and you won't be able to perform the next step.
    (You might want to print out this writeup and keep it next to the tub as you do this).
  7. Quickly place your razor in your right hand and repeat the last step for your left forearm.
  8. Congratulations! You have successfully slashed your wrists! Place the razor next to the tub and lie back into the warm water. Don't think about how you are now going to die, since that will only make you panic. Instead, focus on the growing peace and tranquility inside your body as the loss of blood makes you steadily weaker.

Other issues to keep in mind before you slash your wrists:

  • Have you written a proper suicide note?
  • If you do use bath oils, make sure they aren't the kind that use aromatherapy to make you feel better about yourself. That would be counterproductive.
  • If you live in a dorm, or if you have any family members in the house, make sure that you have locked the bathroom door. This is not the kind of procedure that your friends can help you with.
  • And above all else, remember: have fun.

Happy slashing!