Here in Canada, we seem to have an obsession with building large replicas of small objects. Cities boast of huge plastic geese, gigantic polar bears and giant tomatoes. Of this variety is The Big Apple, the largest man-made apple replica in the world. Inside is a restaurant, a petting zoo, and a whole shitload of apples. It lies along the side of an Ontario highway and can be seen for miles. Yes, we are very proud of this.

When I was a child, The Big Apple was a favorite stop for my family while travelling through the wilds of our home province. We never did get to see The Big Lemon or The Big Tomatoe, but The Big Apple made us happy and that's all that mattered.

One day, we visited the petting zoo at The Big Apple. They had sheep, bunnies, even a big llama named Larry. Larry was very friendly at first. I extended my hand, full of tasty morsels, to this magnificent creature in a gesture of goodwill and love, and he snorted the food down quickly, eager for more. I gave another handful, even staring lovingly into his eyes and making calming noises. Then, Larry looked up from his meal, reared his head back, and spat in my face. I didn't go back to The Big Apple for a very long time. Years later, when I did finally return, there was a plaque saying that Larry the Llama was dead. So it goes.