And welcome back to the program, this is Live with Chive on Talk FM 97.1, KTFK, and this is your host, Chive Challans. Before the break we began discussing this strange sort of lighting phenomenon in the sky tonight. It sorta looks like the Northern Lights -- what do they call it... Aurora Borealis? Well anyway it's not the Northern Lights, I've been told by several callers who seem to know a lot about that stuff. So people aren't sure what it is, but I am looking out my window, and it looks to be, like, right above our studio here at Grand and Market. It's wicked weird.

We're takin' your calls on it. Our studio line is 969-9797, toll free 1-800-969-9797. Let's go to... let's see, line 1, Pete. Pete, you're live on Live with Chive. Whaddya think this thing is?

Hi Chive, first-time caller. Love your show.

Thanks, man. So do you have any idea as to what this thing is?

Well, I know, what was his name? Kevin? Last hour, he said that, uh, it might be UFOs, and I'm inclined to believe the same thing. There was something similar on that UFO special on Fox a coupla weeks ago.

So you think this is perhaps aliens, maybe a ship exploded... or, or they're communicating with us somehow?

I doubt it's communication. I dunno, maybe. But I think it's just the light that the UFO is giving off.

UFOs, though, they tend to wanna try to remain secret, though, don't they? You'd think it woulda taken off by now, Pete.

They've been known to hover in the sky for long periods of time.

Hmm, well, OK. I guess that's one possibility. Thanks, Pete. Let's see, let's go to... line 3. Karen, you're on Live with Chive. So you disagree, that it is the Northern Lights?

Well, I'm no scientist, but I am near your studio on the road. I see it in the sky. That's what it looks like to me.

So... so you're in your car? What, like on a car phone?

Uh, a cell phone. Yes. There seems to be an unusual amount of static tonight, I might add.

Hm. Interesting. You know, my cousin has one of those. The lucky bastard, he's one of those guys you hate, who always falls ass-backwards into money. He pays like eighty-nine cents a minute or something to use that thing. It's crazy.

He pays WHAT? What company is he with??

I dunno. I have no idea. All I know is he's a moron. I don't care how much money I have, I'm not paying that much to use a device that hardly ever works. Thanks, Karen.

OK, let's see... let's go to line 2. Hey Frank, you're Live with Chive. What's up?

Well, first of all, when did this station become a talk station??

Um... well, uh, in 1987? Or was that '86 Manny? 86? Yeah, my producer says 1986.

Dude, yesterday you guys were an alternative station.

Naw, man, we've been a talk station for years. So, do you have any comment on these lights?

I'm beginning to wonder if they scramble stations or something.

Maybe so. Maybe that's why you think we should be a different station. Who knows? It could be tinkering with radio frequencies or something. Could you check that, Manny, make sure we're not bleeding into other frequencies? Interesting. Thanks, Frank.

Line 4! Hey, Edna! I've been waiting to see if you'd call. How ya doin? You're Live with Chive...

Hi, Chive. Love your show! You know, nobody has yet brought up that these lights could be God sending us some sort of sign.

Ah, sweet old Edna. I always love hearing from her. She seems to always have some sort of perspective nobody else has thought of. Manny says he sends his love, by the way.

Hehe, Hi Manny! You know, I never miss your show. I always turn on my radio after dinner to listen while I do the dishes.

And we're always glad to have you as a listener and on the show. Love those devoted fans, you know. They don't put billboards up for us. It's mostly word of mouth, so we appreciate it. What do you think God would be telling us, you know, with these lights?

Well, you know Chive, I'm not sure. It is that time of year, Christmas is coming up and all. Maybe it has something to do with that.

Ah, yeah. God maybe sending us some Christmas lights! Interesting. Wish I could get one o' those at Wal-Mart or something, put it above my house! That would really show up my neighbor who puts up that bigass Santa sleigh and reindeer on his roof!

Ugh. Don't you hate it when those decorations get so gaudy?

Sure do, Edna! You know, I'd like to get one of those leg lampshades that was on that Christmas movie? What's it called?

A Christmas Story.

Yes! Thank you, Edna! I wanna get me one of those, man. Boy, Manny, would my wife be pissed or what?

She'd kick your ass, dude!

Ha ha! I'm tellin' ya! All right, as always, thanks so much, Edna. We're gonna move on now, hon.

All right, you take care, Clive. Give your wife a hug for me.

All right, Edna, buh-bye!

Isn't she sweet? I always love hearing from her. All right, let's see, line 1. Hello Mike! You're Live with Chive. You say this is a government conspiracy?

Yeah, I think this all has to do with President Bush!

Really? Kind of like he invaded Iraq for oil, right?]

Exactly! Anyway he ::fffzzzz:: with the atmosphere and ::fzzzz:: and the--

Hey, uh, Mike, you on a bad line or something? There's lots of static.

Sorry, I'm on my cell phone. I'm driving through some hills, so...

Huh! Another portable phone! I don't think I've ever gotten two in one night before. Weird. OK, so, Mike, what does this have to do with the atmosphere?

Yes, President Bush and government officials are conducting experiments in the atmosphere, and some of them involve a highly classified military project which involves protecting us from threats, like terrorists or something. We are getting sick literally from Bush's misguided efforts to protect us! It all has to do with contrails. People have been reporting seeing strange activity, like planes flying low spraying lines in geometric patterns and stuff. These lights might be some sort of effect from that.

Wait, wait, wait. Now... what are they spraying?

I don't know. It's very secret stuff, but it creates a haze that is making people sick. You can read all about it on the internet.

On the what?

Just put "contrails" and "conspiracy" in Google, dude. It's all over.

In what?? What are you talking about, man?

In Google, you know, the search site! Well I mean, yeah, sure you can use Yahoo! and MSN, too. But, just look it up, I'm not crazy.

Well, Mike, I kinda think you are. You're talkin' about all this stuff I've never heard of. Hey Manny, you have any idea of, uh, any of this stuff he's talkin' about?

I think the internet is some computer thing. Like my cousin says he uses it, I think, to get news or something on his computer. But I've never heard about that Google thing.

Hm. I guess Mike is some sort of computer geek or something. I guess a lot of those crazy conspiracy theorists are, trying to hack into government systems and stuff. Are you a hacker, Mike? Mike? Oh, he's gone. Um, let's go to... hm. Man the phones are lit up with people saying this is the wrong station. Did you check on that, Manny?

Everybody I've called is getting the correct station.

Well, folks, I don't know what the deal is but we're on the right frequency. Hey, Manny, just get me people wanting to talk about the lights, OK? All right? Good. Ah, here's one. You're on Live with Chive, Jessica!

Hey, Chive. I just found your show and I'm loving it so far. Sometimes I get tired of all the music, y'know. It's about time this area had some alternative. It's really weird, you've been around for twenty years and I'd never heard of you before now.

Well, thank you Jessica, but we haven't been around that long. So are you seeing these lights?

Yeah, I first saw them when I left work. I must work near your studio. They're pretty weird.

Can you see them still, from home?

Uh, no, I haven't gotten home yet. I'm on my cell phone.

Another car phone? What is it with these car phones tonight? This is a weird night, man. All these portable phones, talk about conspiracies and internets and people thinkin' we're on the wrong station. Jessica here had never heard of us before. I mean I know we don't get huge ratings, but, come on, most people have at least heard about the show.

Well I think you're the one who's been living in a cave. Almost everybody has a cell phone these days. You sound like my grandpa or something.

I'm not that old, honey! Thank you, Jessica, let's move on.

You hear that, Manny? She called me a grandpa! I know I'm gettin' a little long in the tooth, but come on! All right, let's go to Brian. Hey, Brian, you're Live with Chive! You seein' these lights?

Dude, first of all, it's so nice to hear you back on the air! I was pissed when they fired you back in the early 90's.

What the hell are you talking about? I've never been fired! I quit that gig I had up in Chicago, I wasn't fired!

Yeah, you were! When they switched the station to that alternative rock crap! I was so pissed, too. It was like, you were just GONE one day. They didn't give you any warning.

Man, I don't know what in the hell you're going on about! Goodbye, Brian!

Hey, Manny, I know the crazies are fun sometimes, but these people are starting to get creepy. I need people wanting to talk about the lights, dammit!

OK, ::sigh:: all right. Line four, Dan, you're Live with Chive. What's this? You think that these lights travel through time?

Yes! Oh my gosh, this is so weird. I've been listening to this whole show while driving home from work--

Another portable phone?!

Yeah, look, dude, I don't know what's going on, but it sounds like you're coming from a different time period. These lights are either carrying your broadcast into the future or sending our calls into the past or both.


Like the last guy I used to listen to you, too. The station changed and you were fired in 1993. I remember it was that year because it was when I was a junior in high school. What year is it for you?

Get oughtta here! Now we got people saying they're calling from the future! Hey, somebody get Doc Brown in here to fix the flux capacitor! I mean, what the hell? Hey, Manny, are having these people call? Like on April Fool's Day when you had those people call saying they saw my mother at PT's giving lap dances?

Man, I swear. I'm not having these people call.

Yeah. You swore up and down for a half an hour that those callers REALLY saw my mother stripping.

I know. But this time I'm serious. These callers are freaking me out, too.

Sure, Manny. Sure. Let's see... tch tch tch... let's go to Drew who says that it's a lightning thing. Hello Drew...

I have no idea as to what these lights are, I just said that to get through. Listen, the year all of us with cell phones are living in is 2006. It's Monday, November 27th to be exact! What year is it for you?

2006?! Oh come on! Even if this is true... remember that crazy conspiracy guy, he was talking about President Bush! How can he still be president fifteen years from now? He's gone as of 1996 unless he loses the next election.

George Herbert Walker Bush is who you are talking about! His son is President now, George W. Bush. And he also invades Iraq!

The guy who owns the Texas Rangers?! Why'd you think I'd ever believe that, Drew? Now I KNOW you guys are puttin' me on! Ha ha!! He's a cokehead! An embarassment to the entire Bush family! If they ever elect him President it's gotta be a sign of the end of the world! The only thing… ha HA! …the only thing he could ever invade is a five dollar hooker! Ha ha! Manny over here, you should see him, he's doubled over in laughter! The jig is up, Manny! I knew you'd crack.

I'm serious! This is no joke! I know it seems impossible, but he's President after Bill Clinton's term is over in 2000.

Bill who?! Manny, come on, I know this is a joke. You can stop telling them to call.

Man, I swear this isn't me! It must be Sean doing this! Ha ha hahaaaaaaaa! George Bush Jr. President!! Oh man!


Man... I'm... I'm sorry... I can't stop... LAUGHING! Oh god, I'm tearin' up, man... aw man I live for calls like this. They really make the show! I need at least one of these a night, I swear!

Listen, I gotta warn you about 9/11--!

Drew, look, you can cut the crap, OK! I've figured it out. This is a practical joke by the program director, Sean Allen.

On September 11, 2001--!

Sean's pulled out all the stops, Manny! Even having these people pretending to all be calling from portable phones! I wonder if this is because I made fun of him on the air the other day.

Thousands of people die on September 11, 2001 when terrorists fly jet planes into the World Trade Center--

Listen, Drew, when you start talking about people dying the joke isn't funny anymore.

No! Don’t--!

Goodbye, Drew.

Sheesh. Can you believe that guy? I mean, that's takin' it too far. Let's go to line--- Oh, Manny, you're kidding me, right? I don't know if I even want to take this one. I've heard Sean trying to imitate me before and he's lousy at it. Take it? We gotta break soon? Thirty seconds? All right... I'll take this one out of morbid curiosity.

Hi... Charles... welcome to Live with Chive. What's--?"

Hey, this is YOU, holy crap, I can't believe what I'm hearing. I can't friggin believe I'm talkin' to myself! Man this is so weird! I remember this night! Aw, man--!

Well, I'll give you this, you do do a good imitation of me...

No, I'm tellin' ya, it's all true! It's me... er, YOU! Believe what those other callers are tellin' ya! Maureen's gonna be in the South Tower when it happens! Ya gotta listen to me! This is weird deja vu! I've heard me say this before!

This joker's really starting to freak me out! Shit! I mean, er, bleep that Manny! I gotta go, Charles!

No, don't hang up, Maureen-- ::fzzzzzzzz!!::

Hmm. Man, that was freaky. He really did sound like me, Manny. What? They're all gone? The lines are clear? Hey, ladies and gentlemen, the lights are fading out. They're almost gone and so are all the weirdos calling in. Yep. I can barely see them now.

Aw man. That was weird. I mean, I know that had to be b.s. - I mean, come on! George Bush Junior President?! - but... phew that guy really did sound like me. It's actually got me... c'mere, look at my hand, Manny. It's got me jittery. Man. Let's, uh, let's get back to some normalcy here. Break?

OK we're gonna take a break. When we come back hopefully all of this nine-eleven and time traveling cell phone nonsense is over and we can get back to serious calls about the phenomenon we've witnessed tonight in the heavens. We'll be back, this is Live with Chive in 97.1 Talk FM!

For SciFiQuest 2106