How to Write a 5-Paragraph Essay (opinion)

1. Establish truth right away: applying limitations to creative endeavors is bullshit. Writing just to please a teacher just to please a head of languages all the way up the bootlicking chain of modern education? Don’t bother explaining yourself right now.
2. Instead, show the mental path you took to arrive at this conclusion. Creativity thrives in the presence of limitations iff they stimulate the artist. Why force a paragraph count and specific structure? This is now a template, not creative writing.
3. Ideally, the writer should mention the problems with their line of thought. If I were younger, perhaps: I’d submit to my jailer-teacher’s antiquated methods to show them what a good student I am. But I write for pleasure: I’m confident in saying that my reasoning is valid and evident in itself.
4. Use the fourth paragraph to beat down strawmen. My old literature teacher won't read this, so I can easily defeat any and all of her arguments by saying they’re dumb. A true writer is free to choose any limitations they desire, and still produce something worth reading.
5. So what have we learned? Write template essays if that’s what it takes to graduate, but never ever mistake that for actually writing for pleasure. If the objective is to please heads, I know of one that needs it badly.
6. So: Mrs Rodríguez: if this is a masturbatory exercise, take your antiquated format and dry-hump it tonight ’til completion. I’d rather use my sixth paragraph as a show of non-conformism inevitably linked to my conclusions: I write what I like and how I like. I’ll dream of you in that tight blouse tonight.¹

1. Andy is a High School survivor and grad student. Still, he doesn’t really endorse this for actual High Schoolers. Caveat emptor.

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