Envy Is Bad But Oh, So Tempting
Time: 11:33am
Mood: Contemplative
Been a long time between drinks for this DeadJournal, but this entry should make up for it :-).
"What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good." - Jack Nicholson, As Good As It Gets
Found out today that a mate of mine back home gets fifty dollars a week in pocket money. Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. I don't know about you, but that's a lot of money to be getting every week outside of part-time employment or drug-dealing ;-). Guess it's sorted who's buying the drinks on our next pub trek, eh James? But I'm not mad. You're just damn lucky, that's all.
As for me, well, after buying a pair of replacement glasses (those progessive lenses aren't cheap, y'know) and perhaps some new clothes (doubtful since I will need to spend money during the next few days and I only have enough for the cothes and the glasses), I'm not going to have much money for a while. Crap. Starting to look forward to pay day, when my club pays me 500kr for my monthly allowance.
Well, last weekend was a bit of a letdown. A nice day in town with the crew again (no complaints there), where we stayed in Coffeehouse By George for something like 3 hours. Rush home, shower, get ready, eat a quick dinner, have a Red Bull, get excited and rush to the garage to find that there are no available bikes. Shit. Cue a slight crisis before I eventually took the bus in and met Steve at Camel at about 10:15. Get into the pub (Bergsbron) to find that in a busy bar on a Saturday night, there are about four people from my school (Ebersteinska) there. Great. And this was supposed to be organised for my school. I didn't feel like staying until 3, which was when the party ended, so I took the bus home at 1:30am. The upshot of this was that I got to chat a bit with Jonas, who goes to my school and is a nice guy. Disappointing to say the least, although the 2 for 1 drinks at the bar meant that it wasn't a complete disaster. That and making puns about the drink called an Orgasm. Heh.
It took me nearly an hour to get to sleep last night. I think I'm going (more) insane, sometimes. This increased awareness of the positive (and negative) reactions of people in our group has kind of put me on edge.
I've just been thinking about the group a lot, lately. About the negativity that existed (and in some ways, continues to exist) in our group. Trying to deal with the reality that some people that you will meet will not like you. That they may never like you. And even though it's not your fault and that you shouldn't be kicking your own arse over it - it doesn't make it any easier to accept. Much less suck it up and move on. Sure, you can always say that we don't live in a perfect world and that people will never always agree. Wishful thinking is called that because it comes from wishing. And people will always wish. I will always wish.
Put simply, it's the conflict between my desire to get along with everyone and the reality that I won't. It's the difficulty of accepting the bad days as well as the good. But I believe that one day I will accept these things. Just not today.