This was the second entry in my DeadJournal for the day. I felt that it was worth posting here because it was one of the first times I opened up and was honest about myself.
It's been a chaotic week for me. It all started on our way to Café Soda last Tuesday. I'd been feeling down because I couldn't get access to my email (see the entry 24/09/2002 "The Day Telia Started To Suck Hardcore"). I told him I was feeling down because of that and that generally I wasn't satisfied with who I was, how other people saw me and where I was going. He told me that I could talk to him about this kind of stuff. I preceeded to open up like a tin can and we talked about why I felt this way. We finally figured out that I didn't see myself as having a particular purpose or function in the group and that it made me feel lost and listless, having no direction. Steve told me that I'm basically the "Mad Scientist" of the group, and I was sure of at least something that day.
Since then, it's like all kinds of things that have been bothering me have come to the surface. I know that it's good for me to deal with these issues, but it doesn't seem that way when you're at the bus stop at 8am on a Tuesday morning and you start missing your old friends in Australia because you feel that they at least tolerate your presence, or that they've gotten used to your bad points.
And it affects you. I was quite snappish to Bernado and Selina yesterday when Bernado asked "what took you so long?". It'd taken me damn near half an hour of a ten-minute walk to find the fuckin' frisbee golf course and I wasn't feeling superhappy to start with. But to have that be the first question he asked really pissed me off. It was like a "well thanks a fucking bunch, I really feel how much you appreciated me showing up in the first place you inconsiderate shit" kind of feeling (not that I actually believe you are an inconsiderate shit, but that's what I felt at the time, OK?). And lately, I realised how distant I had become to one of the others in the group (this'd be Personality Clash No. 2 at last count). And when that happens, you feel not only a sense of loss because the illusion that you'll keep being friends with them after exchange is shattered, but failure because you feel that you failed them and yourself in not being likeable and anger because you think "well, other people like me for being myself so what the fuck is this person's problem?". A sad, sad cocktail of emotions. I know you get past it, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", etc etc. But still.
One thing I do know is that this is bringing Steve and me closer together. Sunday night I talked to him for an hour and a half about lots of things that have happened in the past. Perhaps it's his new interest in Reiki that's given him a new perspective on things. To me, it's another way of explaining basic principles of human group psychology but either way it makes sense. I've gained insight into my influence on past events that I wouldn't have asked about back then. And it feels good to know that in the past you have been a cool person, that people have for a period of time been glad that they are with you at that time.
But now, I feel that I'm better off if I'm honest about how I feel. As I said yesterday, the catharsis that I get from telling someone what I'm feeling is great. It's like I need another perspective on things so I don't kick my own arse too hard. There still is the voice inside my head that says "stop it, suck it up, stop crying for attention, don't burden other people with your problems", but, well, fuck it. I'm better off this way.