There once was a time when pleated and unpleated pants weren’t a major decision, they didn’t even exist. This was a time when sticks and stones, and not the Anna Nicole Smith Show on E!, entertained people. Finding a mate didn’t involve a .com address, nor did it matter whether you shaved your unibrow or not. This was a time when simply being alive was viewed as a success, and having a place to rest was a luxury. Of course, I’m talking about prehistoric times. Back when our jaws were all as pronounced as Jay Leno’s, and wearing a toga wasn’t simply encouraged at fraternity parties. This is a time that unfortunately doesn’t get much attention from the typical demographic of society.

This is probably not a very salient issue for most people, but for me it’s a fascinating question whenever there’s a lull in my day. It’s a reflective question, stated in a crude way. Would living during those times be cool?

I know, I know, you’re shaking your head. Obviously, it only takes a moment to see the horrible existence of Neanderthals. At best it could be viewed as camping to the extreme, but with an emphasis on running away from dinosaurs. Most people would probably enjoy merely a day or so in this lifestyle before they quickly grew bored of it, but I don’t think they’re properly taking all the benefits into consideration. For me this isn’t such an easy decision to make. It’s a question that I can definitely resonate on, and that’s mainly due to one issue. Dating back then would have been much easier.

See, these days dating is a tentative affair where every action and phrase is methodical planned and considered. You sit across your date at the dinner table with a million thoughts and questions racing through your mind.

What should I eat? I’m hungry, but don’t want a meal that makes me look disgusting while eating it. A sloppy joe is definitely out of the question, and so is this restaurant’s oversized special burger. I guess I’ll need something with a fork. Oh crap, I’m spending way too much time looking at this menu, I need to continue our conversation. All right, I need an opening question. Nothing, damnit. Maybe a witty remark, I wonder if she’ll like that joke Mike told me yesterday. Wait, is she Presbyterian? She’ll definitely not like the joke if she is. I wonder if we’re going dutch on this or not. Is she that type of girl? Geez, there’s absolutely no way to flippantly mention it. I’ll definitely seem cheap…

And so forth. This entire stream of consciousness occurs between being seated at the table and the waiter fetching two glasses of water. We’re not even taking the catastrophic goodnight charade into consideration. When you take into account all of these little dramatic sequences and moments of inner turmoil, doesn’t a single fight to the death with another guy seem more reasonable? At least there’s an end in sight, it would all be over within a matter of minutes with an immediate result. A successful date these days merely guarantees more dates with a gradual stream of even bigger questions such as:

Should I kiss her now?”
Is this too much tongue?”
When do I get to see her naked?”

All this with a constant fear of realizing that through all the pander and pleasantries you actually can’t stand this girl, and are merely continuing this travesty because you are too deeply invested not to at least attempt reaching third base. Sometimes, the discouraging weight of all this is too much to bear, and for a moment I revel in the possibility of simply hitting another man in the head with a club and walking away with my new beau, hand-in-hand, to our home. A comfortable home, situated inside a large crevice on a mountain. It would have a stick figure and buffalo painting on the wall, and perhaps a fire pit. Just for a moment, doesn’t this relative ease in mating permit for a slightly more difficult existence? At worst, it’s along the same lines as living in an urban ghetto, but without taxes and highway construction. It’s not as bad as it seems.

In a way this comes down to a question as to the meaning of life. It’s not a question I can actually answer right now, but my presumption is that when I finally become old enough to understand what this time on Earth was for, a wife and child (family) will at least be part of the equation. If that were a fundamental motive for life, then wouldn’t achieving all those things in an accelerated way seem sensible? Sure, the average Neanderthal didn’t live much longer than 30 years, but with a wife and child at 15 what does it matter? Take out all the unproductive years of the average 70 year old person, and you’ll see the correlation. First subtract the 17 years of schooling (Kindergarten to Bachelor’s Degree), because those years are not formative when civilization is so rudimentary. College for the most part is a continuation of regular schooling, but with an increase in adult themes. Then we have those years between retirement and your children graduating from college (about 10 years). By this point your job is done and you are simply making money because you don’t plan to make money later. Next we remove the 10 years of retirement, because not much is done once someone retires; it’s mainly a delay to death. This leaves us with 70 – 17 – 10 – 10 = 33 years old, a lifespan similar to that of our predecessors.

Counter to what most would believe, the premise of being a caveman is more enticing after carefully considering it. Or at least it’s feasible to convince yourself, such as I have. If only this was in some way possible, to go back in time (to sound very cheesy) would certainly be a move I’d carefully consider. Unfortunately, the mere thought is a waste of time. If only there was some way to at least experience this sort of existence, even for a moment. I wish there was a place on present-day Earth where a large, masculine male appeals to females. If only the “gatherers” of our generation were attracted to men capable of amazing physical feats. Unfortunately, women of our generation are far too evolved and cultured for that. It’s almost hard to believe that at one time the opposite sex found hunters more enticing than the fire makers. I almost feel unappreciative of the advantages that evolution has provided for us. These days, the alpha males are the cerebral ones. The man who created the wheel thousands of years ago was looked down upon, but the present-day equivalent (network administrator) is at the top of our civilization, not, for example, a professional athlete. What a fortunate time we live in!

Sarcasm should be noted.
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