I never believed those crazy UFO nuts ‘till just a couple weeks ago. I never thought something like this could be real.

It all started one late night as I was headed home after visiting some friends that lived across town. I apparently took a wrong turn, and soon didn’t know any of the landmarks around me. I was looking for a familiar area so I could find my way back, when suddenly this bright light snapped on and blinded me momentarily.

They must have come over to me while I was dazed, because next thing I knew they were carrying me onto this shiny vehicle with strange, flashing lights on it. I couldn’t understand them at all, and I don’t think they could understand me, even though they seemed to have a translating device. It would talk in their language at random times, and both of them would stop and listen, then look at me.

Their bodies were a lot larger than ours, and I think they breathed a different atmosphere than we do, because before they actually put me in their ship, they stuck this smelly tube in my face. But I think now it was so I could breathe in their atmosphere because there was this little machine with lots of lights on it attached to the tube. I figure it put some little doo-dad in my lungs or something.

They also had some kind of force field that separated us, probably to protect us from each others germs, but I could still smell them.

Then we took off. After a short and bumpy ride, we evidently arrived at the mother ship, because there were a bunch of these pointy-headed aliens all over. I think they must have drugged me and done some kind of examination on me, cause I remember being stuck in the arm with a needle, and now I’m kind of sore in some bad places to be sore. And I think I had a seizure or something because my elbows and knees were all dinged up, and my face hurt a lot.

I've thought a lot about it, and I think I figured it out. The aliens test new drugs on people then just dump them somewhere for the cops to find, naked and confused, cause I woke up the next day in jail with bandages on me. The judge stiffed me, too. So not only did I get all bunged up with some stupid aliens, but I had to pay a $50 drunk and disorderly charge, and now they got me in some program where I don’t get to go outside by myself.

Aliens are such assholes.