Today is my 24th birthday.
I'm 24. That hasn't quit sunken in yet. To the oldheads, this sounds like some damn kid complaining. But to me, the kid who worshipped Peter Pan, who still thinks watching cartoons and eating cereal is a good way to spend the day, who still plays with legos and other toys, who is still very much a child, so much so that when suddenly forced with the possibility of having a child, she opted out--this does not sound good.
I'm leaving my early twenties and entering my midtwenties. Big deal, right? Oh, so you're feeling a little nervious--big deal, right? Big deal. I have a dead-end job. (Big deal.) I can't go back to grad school. (Big Deal.) I live with roommates who hate me. (Big deal, you giant pussy!) I have to wait for some test results to find out if I have a form of cancer. (Big fuckin deal--there are people dying all over this world! At least they're not dropping bombs on your house!)
Big deal. My life is a big deal to me. And birthdays are when you reflect on them. I find it interesting that the second holiest (unholiest?) day of the Satanist's year is their own birthday. Me, I hate it. I don't necessarily like being the center of attention. I don't like having the spotlight on me. That's why I haven't been acting lately, and stay back in the soundbooth.
You know, I'm not so much depressed as worried. I thought that I'd have it figured out by now. I thought I'd know where I was going by now. I thought I'd know what I wanted to do with my life by now. But I don't. Instead, I watch cartoons, play with toys, and act like a kid because I can't figure out any other way to be which won't scare the hell out of me.
And yet--and yet there are people I went to high school with who are married with children. I'm 24--by now I should (normally) have at least one kid. You'd think then that I would feel comfortable with such an idea. But I'm not. I'm very immature. And I don't know why.
So tonight, I, wunderhorn1, and some other friends of mine are going out to see The Tempest. And I'll sit in the dark and lose myself and forget who I am and where I'm supposedly going or not going for a while. And it'll be good.
Oh brave new world, that hath such people in it...
In happier news, I reached Level 3 today, which is kind of an odd coincidence. So that brightened my day.
Like I said, I'm not exactly depressed, just doing far too much naval gazing.