Merit Whore for the Ages™
The Everything Noder Pageant® 2003
Contestants are out on the catwalk in their representative country's finest garb. I'm sure you'll all agree that they have excelled themselves and look truly magnificent. A credit to their country each and every one.
Of course the start of the Pageant did not go without a few hiccups: Miss Uruguay was a no-show from the start, several countries withdrew due to other commitments. rumours of a Miss Universal Noder rival Pageant are thus far discredited, but watch this space.
The most sensational of the background Pageantry ongoings is the Judge E/Miss Turkmenistan scandal. Both have fled, and the backstage rumourmill is that they were last seen in Gretna Green, she in a lovely white dress and he in US Army dress greens.
Nevertheless, while Judge E and Miss Turkmenistan, not to mention Miss Uruguay, will all be sorely missed, the show must go on, and on it did go. Please put your hands together and welcome the luscious ladies on stage!
Our Spanish representative has donned hiking boots and sensible clothes (not forgetting her crucifix) as she bids us join her on a Pilgrimage Walk. She looks absolutely ravishing, and we wish her well on her epic 4 week 800km trek.
Judge C is delighted that OckerJoe has made such a significant improvement on his first entry. An easy writing style and interesting subject choice means that he is jumping up the rankings.
Our Congolese beauty has turned out in full tribal regalia, representing The Molimo Pygmy tribe. She assures me that the rituals they perform involve serenading the forest too keep it awake and not boiling my head, but I'm keeping my distance.
Judges C is slightly dissapointed with Miss DR Congo's effort for the second round. After such a promising start she has lacked a little detail with this entry. However pygmies are going to win out everytime so a good subject choice rescues this one.
This lovely lady from Suriname has turned out in celebration of the ethnic diversity of her South American country, paying homage to the Javanese influences on her heritage. But don't take my word for it, go watch the Puppet Show first hand!
A real South Pacific Island hottie, Miss FSM hails from the island of Yap. She appears slightly nervous, but I'm sure you agree, that months of preparation have gone into the dance and costume she is wearing in celebration of her Island's national day.
Please join our Balkan Beauty in observing a minute's silence for her dearly departed Prime Minister.
Thank you. Now, Miss Serbia would have you join in a wee ditty as she tries to take her nation's mind off the political turmoil and hopefully avert initiating another world war.
Our African Angel would like to greet you in her country's warm manner. Yes, Miss Ethiopia, tell me, your NEW CALF, HOW is SHE?
Hailing from the Algarve, Miss Portugal is a bit of a songstrel. May we have silence please, as she greets us with a delicate Fado.
Our Norwegian contestant is reportedly on Spring Break, breaking into the Vodka and has a bit of a hang-over. She will no doubt grace us with her presence as soon as she can lift her head from the pillow.
Wearing the latest mock-bearskin coat, our Canadian representative shows off the Inuit culture with a diamond tiara delicately carved from soapstone.
G'day, Sheila, don't you look like a dag. Our Australian representative is wearing some strange man's swag, lovingly decorated with some fresh and crusty chunder. Always ready for a party, Miss Australia, it seems, bunked out of the hotel last night and attended the local Bachelor and Spinsters Ball. Oh my goodness! Are those earings... can they be? Oh Sheila! Not used condoms!
Miss Thailand is by far the most qualified of our contestants. She greets us today wearing her Miss Pepsi Cola tiara, carrying her Miss Bangkok bouquet and wearing the very dress she wore while being crowned Miss Thailand. She has been entering Thai Beauty Pageants since the age of 3, and oh geez, LIGHTING CREW! Will you dim the lights like the script says please! We can't have her skin getting a tan...
We are truly honoured to have an Iraqi representative at the Pageant at all. Miss Iraq has taken time out of her military schedule, where she is currently preparing for war against the Coalition of the Willing. She is here in Desert Fatigues, as she wore last time her country undertook the national passtime of invading Kuwait.
I'm sure you agree, Ladies and Gentlemen, that our Beauties have exceeded themselves yet again. Please give them another round of applause!