Columnists for The Onion
The satirical newspaper The Onion's columnists are intended to parody their counterparts in more, um, serious media, as well as various "types" one tends to encounter.
- Jean Teasdale - A white trash woman in her 30s, she writes A Room of Jean's Own, in which she details her life in the manner of a number of syndicated female columnists; I think she's supposed to be a stand-in for Erma Bombeck. If she's not a Pink Hat in name, she's one in spirit.
- Jim Anchower - A stoner kid who writes The Cruise. The print equivalent of Jason Mewes's Jay. He seems to suffer more hardship than the others, except Jean or, I suppose, Smoove B.
- Herbert Kornfeld - The Accounts Receivable supervisor at Midstate Office Supply, he writes in a self-consciously black dialect that in younger people is referred to as "whigger." It's been suggested that the column is where a meek accountant's fantasies get free rein.
- Smoove B - The Love Man's oeuvre consists of truly impassioned pleas to a woman or women to join him for various sensual delights, culminating in incongruously described sex acts
- Jackie Harvey - The Hollywood Outsider's column parodies gossip columns, with their useless tidbits about celebrities' lives and careers. The difference is primarily that Harvey's are inaccurate, out of date, and, in some cases, misspelled. He also misunderstands a lot of what he does learn.
The columns appear in a complicated pattern, and not necessarily in a fixed order. Jean Teasdale and Jackie Harvey may be the least frequent; Jim Anchower appears to be among the most. That may be my perception, since I don't particularly like Jim Anchower.