Due to popular demand, here is a very accurate description of my day.

After a mostly typical morning, I was at work. Having just finished my lunch, I was picking some spinach from my back tooth and felt something smooth come off the tooth, I thought it may have been one of those popcorn bits that get stuck between the tooth and the gum, but I wasn't that lucky and it turned out to be the whole exposed part of my back (wisdom) tooth. It was fairly painless, so I didn't get the usual anxious feeling you get when chipping or cracking a tooth, that feeling when your face gets flushed and your insides start moving around uncomfortably, none of that.

I probably would've left it and booked an appointment for a more convenient time, but you people insisted that this is some kind of an emergency, so I've succumb to the peer pressure and started looking for an appointment.

I called the closest clinic I could find and after being on hold for 5 minutes, they asked me if I had a concession card or a pension card, then, when I replied in the negative, they told me I wasn't old enough nor poor enough to see their dentist and to call a rich person's clinic.

I googled some more and found a dentist that's on the way home, it had a few 1 star reviews, mostly because the dentist was very rough. I instantly knew that this was the butcher for me and dialled the number. A male receptionist answered, which is very unusual, but I already knew that this wasn't your run-of-the-mill clinic. He was going to book me in for the following day, but after I told him it was somewhat of an emergency, he managed to get me a booking within an hour and a half. I told my boss that I'll be leaving early, due to all that internal bleeding, I'm sure the blood was seeping into the cavity and straight into my brain. I did a bit of work and in no time, I was on my motorbike, riding to the butcher.

I walked through the doors and announced that I'm there for the 3:30 appointment. The male receptionist with a pointy goatee gave me a strange look and replied with "Yes you are" and handed me a form, "Fill this out, both sides". It was a standard form, except for one of the questions "How do you feel about today's visit?", the options were:

Very relaxed          Relaxed         Nervous          Very Nervous          Phobic

I tossed up between Very relaxed and Relaxed, but my mostly missing tooth put me a bit on edge, so I went with Relaxed.

To the question of when I last seen a dentist, I replied with "Long, long time ago", I was going to add something about a different galaxy, but that would've been a lie and I'm a straight and narrow kinda guy, as you all know. There were also a lot of questions asking me which STDs I have, how diabetic I am, and whether my grandmother had worms. Being a healthy specimen that I am, I left all those blank.

The screams died down almost as soon as I finished filling out the form and I didn't have to wait long before a solid lady walked through the PVC strip curtains. She was wearing blue overalls and a hair net, it was obvious that she had only just removed the face shield, as the blood splatters only started below her neck, in a straight line. She motioned for me to follow her and my heart fluttered, it reminded me of that giddy feeling I had when the Soviet butcher removed 4 of my back teeth, the pain, the crunching sound inside your scull, nothing like it. I asked whether I could leave my stuff in the waiting room, she replied in the affirmative, followed by "You won't be needing that".

As I walked into the torture chamber, a very pretty nurse greeted me, and while I was admiring her beautiful eyes and the flicker of hellfire behind them, they got me comfortable and the next thing I knew, I was hanging off the dentist hook with the lady butcher elbows deep in my mouth. After a quick inspection, the dentist asked me whether I wanted an injection or not. I thought it strange and asked her if she thought I could manage without. She said it should be OK without an injection. I opted for no needle and said I'll tap out if I need one. The devil nurse's laugh sent chills down my spine and I immediately regretted my decision. The dentist started working on my other chipped tooth, which cleared up the needle confusion. I pointed her to the right one, so she stuck a camera in there and showed me a picture of the tooth, there was nothing sticking out past the gum, I asked her whether it's hard to pull those out. She chuckled and said that if she was new to this, it would be, but she's been doing this a while and that... "We have tools for that", she grinned as she showed me a contraption that looked like a chisel, hammer and a scalpel had a three-way baby.

The butcher swabbed my gum with the numbing gel, that for some reason I always envision as being pink. I didn't want to swallow it, lest it numb my throat; I kinda like breathing, but from where I was hanging, I couldn't see or hear the nurse, so I eventually swallowed and almost immediately couldn't feel the right half of my throat. I was then jabbed by a couple of needles and while the doc was preparing the huge metal syringe (the one with two metal finger holes), she asked for suction, and finally, I could hear the nurse get the suction tube, and in no time, my grey matter was being pumped out through my ear. It made me think of the Egyptians and those guys sure knew what they were doing, so I felt like I was in good hands.

Now.. I pride myself on having a pretty high tolerance, so when the butcher was leaning onto the syringe, with her foot against the wall for more leverage, I still felt pretty confident, but when she started injecting the white hot acid into my jawbone, I must admit, I teared up a little. I assumed the acid was there to help dissolve the jawbone, so it would be easier to remove the tooth. The numbing effect was very quick and while I was still reeling from the pain, the nurse shoved a sheet of paper in front of me "Sign here please, it's to say that you're OK with us taking out your tooth". The sheet had really small writing, which I couldn't read through the tears in my eyes and looked like there was smoke coming off the top of the page, though that could've been the acid playing tricks on me. She put a pen in my hand and pointed "THERE." I scribbled something that looked like my signature and as soon as I did, the nurse was off, down the corridor, her cackling getting quieter. The butcher got to work.

If you've ever had a tooth removed, you know the drill; you struggle to breath because of the two feet on your chest, your head being jerked around like a dog who won't let go of a stick, blood splattering everywhere, the crunching sound of teeth that are getting in the way of "the tool" etc..

Just as I was getting into it, it was over and I was being pushed out through the butcher's curtain. I wiped the blood off my leather jacket, paid my dues, and was on my bike in no time, literally, it was still 3:30. Strange, because it felt like eternity...

I get off my bike, open my garage door, get back on the bike and park it. I swung my leg over the back of the bike, do a 180 and see a small child standing in my garage. She has blue eyes and dirt all over her face and hair.

"HOLY JEsus child, you scared me!"

"Hi Stas!"

"Hi, I didn't see you there."

"I saw you on the street and ran after you."

"So I see."

"Whatcha doing?"

"Just putting a lock on the bike."

"Oh.... I saw {wifey} out the back" she says, as she strolls into my back yard, looking around "She's not here anymore."

I lock up the garage and follow her, as she's walking up the back stairs.

"What are you doing now?"

"I just had a tooth pulled, so I'm going to lay down for a bit." I say, trying to get her to leave.

"Oh..." she looks at me for a second "Ok, I might see you tomorrow" and off she goes.


Yes, I lied to the child, a nap or a lay-down was very unlikely.