What is this depression?

Have I gone that far, indulgence?

I am lying on a bed, no sheets, I could give a fuck, naked with my eyes staring down the wall

and this girl is leaving me, she is leaving in hours now to a much awaited now dreaded vacation.

she wants to stay here with me and she would be wrong

I want to go with her and I would be wrong

we both fit very well together, souls cut from the same loaf, but life has dealt our hands far apart, and we must play them out according to our own desires.

I have heard people speak of faith. Have you ever looked into your heart and told someone you loved them, knowing it is true, them doing the same, and then said goodbye? That's some fucking faith.

Beautiful girls are damn fucking tempting and I am a weak man, but I understand what my heart is telling me, I must give up a relationship, no matter how well we fit, because it would be forced together, and wait to see if it comes naturally together. Then it will be real. True beauty is not unlike the movement of bowels. Forcing yourself to shit can be painful, unsatisfying, and sometimes impossible. Wait, it comes.

As well.. then we will be two things not one. Everyone is alone here, that must be understood, and once both of us feel well enough to be alone, then we can be together.

fuck man, how part of me lusts for the bliss of ignorance!

and then laughs at myself for being so assuming... that a rock or a fly or a man with down syndrome has a life any less difficult, dramatic, passionate, or beautiful than my own.

I guess there is a weight that comes with deciding to be a responsible adult and hold your own dick while you pee... and sometimes this sunlight feels so heavy.