Viking Weather Minute

(A Very Short Play. The Viking Vignettes are intended to be placed amongst other plays in the fashion of television advertisements.)

Parts: Olaf Arinbjorn, Viking Weatherman

(A man enters wearing a suit with a Viking helmet, and stands in front of a map of northern Europe and a table filled with props.)

OLAF: God kväll1, I'm Olaf Arinbjorn and Welcome to your Viking Weather Minute!

(He gestures idly to the map behind him)

OLAF: This raiding season be sure to wear your sealskin, as Njord is feeling melancholy! The seas will be rough, but be brave with the wind on your backs, as Thor's wrath grows with the surging of the tides! The seas will be red with the blood of your enemies!

(He grabs a small can of paint off the table, and throws it on the North Sea)

OLAF: Expect showers during the summer months, swelling the rivers of Normandy and allowing for easy access to much of the rich, heaving, fertile French countryside.

(He stabs a knife into France, and spits on it)

OLAF: Later in the year the Angles and Saxons should have a pleasant plundering and butchering of monasteries and churches throughout their newly conquered island!

(He cuts Britain out of the map, sets it on fire, and drops it in a bucket on the table)

OLAF: And to our Jute friends, have a happy Einherjar!

(He does a shot of some liquor, makes a queer face, and spits it on the map)

OLAF: Finally, According to these goat entrails

(He reaches into another bucket and pulls out something gross the audience won't mind being pelted with too terribly much, perhaps gummy worms?)

OLAF: victory during the end of the raiding season has been assured by the wisdom of Wotan One-Eyed!

(He throws the aforementioned disgusting things into the audience, and then he picks up an axe.)

OLAF: And we shall conquer all of the Christian lands! France Occidental! France Oriental! Great Moravia! Bourgone! Italia! Poland! Twice!

(As he reads off this litany of places he uses the axe to attack them on the map, going on a bit of a berserk rampage, and then turning around…)


(Lights out.)

1. Anything that isn't English is Swedish. FYI.