What you are about to read will make very little sense.

The following are the most important rules to remember when about to meet strangers for the first time:

    1) Prepare your arsenal of bad jokes. In case an emergency first impression is called for they will be invaluable.

    2) Avoid wasting time looking for "Intellectual, Pseudo" in the Vancouver telephone directory - he isn't in there. Neither is "Pit of Doom." Lower your silly inhibitions and get ready to yell "b0nk!"

    3) Practice rigourously with your foam boffers beforehand in case of an ambush en route.

    4) Phear Beatle 4 he will Hax0r U.

    5) Do not under any circumstances let BLUCK! touch your children.

    6) it's not like I was going ram it up their poop shoots

    7) If in doubt, offer large gifts of porn.

    8) If people start looking at you like you have a large button-hat, remain calm. Tell that your name is François and you're just in town for a week.
    Then kick them hard & hop.

    9) girl walks up to us and says she's waiting for a friend named crystal - she comes back several minutes later. "Big like santa claus", she said. We had only seen the girl with a french horn. Oh well.

    10) Bring Jolt. Even if you don't drink it it can substitute as an emergency boffer.

    11) When you reach the border crossing, LIE. Tell them you've all been to Canada before. Tell them you have no food of any kind, and you are students visiting friends. Do NOT, under any circumstances, let them know you will say "b0nk!" if you get lost.

    12) do not approach chatboarders, they are known to be antisocial and sometimes bite. if bitten by a chatboarder go to the closest hospital and pray for antivenom.

    13) Ask them, "Would you like to Boff?" Insist.

    14) Goddamnit, your money's no good here.

    15) Don't get your directions from a computer off the internet. Get them from a goddamn fucking human beings!!

    16) Remember that the human being is there to be yelled at. Like members of the service industry, they are there to be at the receiving end of all your problems. Be sure to remind them that you are overtaxed.

    17) Talk incessantly about the greatness of Skeletor.

    18) Two words: "anal sex" - or alternatively, "all anal ysis"

    19) Nothing brings a group together like kazoo music.

    20) My god! Make the kazoos STOP!!!

    21) Enjoy the profoundly philosophical feeling that can only come from dodging marshmallows, and immersing your soul in the soothing ambiance of old arcade music rendered on a kazoo.

    22) A few rules, don't spill beer on them or other drinks (even though it does wet her shirt.) Don't be loud and in your face, it can scare people. Oh and no wacking people with foam bats! (Unless he/she hits you first.) Hmmm... sorry the list is all don'ts. :-) Over all be your self.

    23) Wear clean underwear. You never know who might see it.

    24) Don't fart near open heat sources.

    25) Be prepared to just smile and nod.

    26) Do not attempt to add a pr0n category to Trivial Pursuit.

    27) Do not feed the koi.

Composed way back during the Pacific Northwest TabNet / Everything Pit-of-Doom-Sacrifice and Retinal Scarring (tm) - the context provided at that massive invitation and its present and future review writeups at Something Happened: The Pacific NorthWest E2 Gathering and my weekend with Jeeves may shed some light on the many cryptic and senseless utterances contained above.

Unfortunately, though my passing around the pad of paper allowed me to fulfil the mandate I'd come up with over Christmas '99, I didn't structure it well enough to, erhm, actually keep track of exactly how many individuals contributed to this write-up, or even the simpler matter of who. Thus, though this assuredly marks some sort of record for Everything, it's not the kind of record that can be -broken- since we don't know how many people wrote single entries and how many wrote double- or triple-ones. Suffice it to say that somwhere between a dozen and 25 people composed all of the above, including but not limited to Everythingites Pseudo_Intellectual, Sparky, Jeeves, Yam, Icicle, Soema, Otnooishphoo, Tristin, and a whole whack of non-Everythinging fireworks co-attendees. Perhaps we can keep better track of who's behind the writing device at the nothin' but coal for you, geek e2 westside holiday gathering and lan party coming up this winter! Be there or be, um, ostracized!

The next installation of TW-UCtbytMP was mounted and displayed at the above-mentioned location - successfully as we effectively tabulated the contributors and unsuccessfully as it was only a piddling handful. Results are still coming in regarding the outcome of the typewriter-driven assault on the record undertook at the Horny E2 Portland Conflagration, visible at ideath's homenode (for the time being) as The Homenode Contributed to by the Most People. EIGHTEEN FRICKING CONTRIBUTORS and counting!