Well what I've known for weeks is finally confirmed this little dot com is
going belly up and I'm going to lose my job. Not that we haven't
known this for weeks, well a least the paranoia might calm down a little and
we might stop getting told different things every other day.
And despite this, despite this coming at the end of a long chain of disasters -
a long term relationship breaking up, discovering the bank had fucked up
without telling me and I have 6 months of rent arrears to clear up - not to
mention the fact that that house is leaking water left, right and center in
one of the wettest winters on record and is now becoming infested with rats
that keep me awake at night scurrying past my head, despite all this I feel
happier than I've felt for a while. Genuinely happy, in that gentle, calm
balanced way that makes you know its real.
Why this should be I don't quite know, though I have a shrewd idea. Its as if
all these external things have been given me the strength and focus to start to
deal with the internal things and figure out what's really important. I am
reminded, as I often am in these sorts of situations, of the lines from Gary
Snyder's poem 'I went into the Maverick Bar'
under the tough old stars--
In the shadow of bluffs
I came back to myself,
To the real work, to
"What is to be done."