Loneliness really permeates everything in your life. Can't really do anything without the empty feeling of your own life.

Being a social outcast basically since birth is hard to get out of, and I have tried to make friends, but there always seems to be something pushing people away. At first it was my mother a prostitute drug abuser, in fact a would-be crackwhore. The other kids wouldn't be able to come over to play.. or I wasn't allowed to go to their houses. It wasn't long before I sat in the playground alone, playing a gameboy my father had sent me. He always seemed like a stranger that gave presents for mere sympathy only he was 100s of kilometres away.

These are the earliest memories I have.

That gameboy was basically the only friend I had while I was 8-10, I only had 3 games for it. Until one of the two people I had made "friends" (both outside of school) with decided he didn't like me anymore, took it and smashed it on the ground.

Then we moved away, as my step dad was on the run from the police for dealing drugs.

Then I have my first memory of my father (despite that I had seen him most weekends from age 2-6 and lived with him before that). Having had the main male role model beat me and my mother regularly, it was quite a surprise when the first time I broke something of his accidently, it wasn't met with force. It shook my foundations.

Soon after I moved in with my father and it suddenly seemed that life would be more enjoyable.

Late primary school was plain fun, growing as a person, making friends, and becoming a social being.

High school was another story.

High school had begun, and I was at a strange, huge place and only 1 person I knew was going to the same high school as me.

Kids were starting to experiment with drugs and alcohol, which I was hugely averse to, which was the main reason I was an outcast in high school. The group that I had become part of saw me as merely something to ridicule, and beat. After coming home beaten one to many times I swore it wouldn't happen again. But unfortunately, some people just aren't built for fighting. So I figured it would be best to avoid people altogether.

Due to my father losing his job, I had to move back with my mother during my last year.

I became angry about everything that had gone in my life and how unhappy I had been. So I lost it. I stopped attending school. Went uncontrollably angry in fits of rage destroying anything in my path (by this time I had grown to 180cm, 85kg and I was built for fighting). My mother was detoxing from heroin at the time so we clashed a lot. All though I was uncontrollable I still refrained from hitting any people. Only inanimate objects.

The house we were staying in had 3 fences knocked down, 4 doors torn off the walls among other things.

After seeing a counsellor for a while, I managed to turn things around, but instead of abusing other people, I began to abuse myself. Quitely I would sit in my room with a knife and indulge myself in a little pain and a little blood, mostly justto reassure myself that I was alive.

That was a little under a year ago. And now I am currently studying to be a c++/java code monkey.

But I'm still lonely.