The last six months have been, without a doubt, the best six months of my entire life
. When I woke up this morning in tears from a dream I had, though, I knew it was over
. For six months she was my light to help me crawl out of the dark, cold, uncaring unknown
that I had lived in for almost my entire life. But now she's gone and I have nothing left but my self-pity and the darkness. But at least I can cry in the darkness
without anybody seeing.
We talked a lot, and I noticed that I had more in common with her than anybody else I had ever known. We had many similar thoughts and feelings. As if we were extensions of each others' souls. She gave me a light and I began to slowly crawl out of the dark. Though I tripped and stumbled along the way, she never turned away. She kept me from falling back into the darkness. And I never got to thank her.
I've never been in love before, so I don't know what it feels like. But for about three months I have had this ache in my chest. On the left side. My heart? The doctors say it's nothing. Oh well. What the hell do doctors know.
But now I am alone. It's not a foreign feeling by any means. I've felt it all my life. Though since I've known her, I had hoped I would never feel lonely again. That she would always be a shoulder for me to cry on and I would always be there for her. But she left, and with her left the light of my life. Now I brood in the darkness, more lost than ever before.
I was going to go to college out there. I had just convinced my parents to send me all the way out to California, which was no easy task. I thought maybe I would get the chance to finally meet the face behind the words. But now it seems less and less feasible. We were going to take a trip to San Francisco to meet with a couple other noders, but I was the limiting factor. Not anymore I guess. It might have worked out in the perfect world. But this world is less than perfect. This world is hell. Welcome to my hell.
The more I think about it, she is perfect in every way that matters to me. She was able to tear away the layers of cold indifference I had wrapped myself in for years. I was able to confide in her every little secret I had, serious or stupid, and it would seem so insignificant.
And I was addicted. I was addicted to the way she made me laugh when I was sad. Addicted to the way she would calm me down when I panicked. Addicted to the things she said that really made me think. Addicted to the words we shared. Addicted to the person behind the words. Utterly and hopelessly addicted to this wonderful girl. And then I found out I wasn't alone in my thinking.
Even in the darkness, sorrow, and despair I feel, for the rest of my life I will take comfort knowing that she was my light in the darkness and cold. She was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. She was the beautiful rose petal in a bed of thorns. Good bye. I'll miss you. I'll always remember. Always.