Therefore, to keep me from being too elated, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.
Paul of Damascus
Each day brings opportunities to live out God's purpose for me.
Jennie: Hiya. *hugs* (A really fitting scripture you wrote earlier BTW.)
Lometa: oh hey:) Was off making coffee...it reflects how I feel today
Jennie: Yeah makes two of us. :) Today has been a struggle.
Can I ask your opinion on something?
Jennie: Yesterday while I was praying I was getting the word "Winfield" come into my mind, (It is a town I used to live in years ago.) along with the face of an old friend of mine.
Lometa: what do you think it means?
Jennie: Well neither myself or my family has seen or heard from her in a very long time and my Dad quite by chance rang her today and found out that her husband was just diagnosed with lung cancer and that doctors had sent him home with no hope. I can only think that it means to pray.
Lometa: that is a good idea:) it will help I am sure
Jennie: Yeah I guess there is little else I can actually do. She and her family are Christians and belong to a small country church of around 15 people total, 7 of whom are sick with terminal illness I find out today. It's probably best I pray for all of them .
Lometa: still there?
Jennie: Sorry. Deeper in thought than I probably should be over here.
Lometa:I am very sad to hear that......no worries there was prayer for healing and it was answered as discouraging as that may sound
What do you think was the reason for those occurrences?
Jennie: I've thought about that and I'm not sure. It may be the extent of faith of the people praying maybe?
Lometa: what does extent of faith mean ?
Jennie: I mean people who have grown in faith more than others. Just a guess, but it's all I can think of. I hope God will give me an answer to that question.
What do you think about the whole issue of healing?
Lometa: sometimes the answer is no answer....sometimes I get answers in my dreams it's as if I cannot hear what God is trying to tell me so he whispers in my dreams and it is a terrible thing sometimes so I understand why my waking self will not hear .
Jennie: I have also found it a mystery, but a confusing one it remains. Here we go. So do we not take literally what Jesus said in matt 21:22 "And all things, whatever you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." ?
That was following Jesus' discussion to his disciples on faith, so I assumed it had something to do with that..
Lometa: okay am back too yes believe that you will receive
Lometa: when we pray there are two things hope and expectation
it is one thing to hope and that is a great thing hope almost as great as love and then there is expectation. The idea is to suspend our expectations so an answer can be heard Does that make sense?
Jennie: :Yes I see what your saying.
Lometa: ah yes trust it is hard to achieve because as humans we all suffer.
In I fear I will be nothing I was beginning to realize that God loved me in spite of myself that my whole world as far as He is concerned revolved around me and my thoughts His goal is to correct my thoughts about myself and in that I came to accept an impending death a death of self
Jennie: So you mean death as in literal death?
Lometa: well I was expecting a literal death because I was extremely ill but there was a death of self in that I lost much of my memory and a holocaust of friends. I had a dream a while ago that explained it further would you care to hear?
Jennie:Definitely. It would interest me greatly.
Lometa: It is a nightmare and it is personal so please keep confidential
I dreamed my mother and I were at a formal dinner (this is based on a real past event) and she was drunk calling me a bastard; that she was going to call me that because I will never be anything else and she was very loud......
here is where the dream starts .She said she was pregnant again
grinning and such Bragged about how she had killed all of her babies and was looking forward to killing this one too My dad was at the table but didn't hear and she had no plans to tell him
Jennie: Thats quite a disturbing dream.
Lometa:I have spent some time considering this dream and what it means to me and well it means that I am all of those babies and that no matter how many times I reinvent myself she will never love me the way I would like to be loved by her. It saddens me but reinforces my decision to detach.
Jennie:Have you not forgiven your mother for her past actions though?
Lometa: I don't know the concept of forgiveness for her eludes me right now. Does God demand we forgive evil?
Lometa: My mother committed criminal acts against me *shrugs* perhaps God has not enabled me to forgive her for some reason
Jennie: Pray about it
Lometa: I have for many years to the point of obsession I had to let it go
Jennie:I can imagine it's been a very difficult issue for you. Did God not answer you when you prayed?
Lometa: yes his answer is 'there is no answer' so I will hope for understanding
that is what I think Jesus means when he says to give myself up to God
Jennie: That confuses me very much.
If there is no answer, how can you possibly hope to understand?
here is a day log that might help The day log may or may not get the message across the enlightenment I found in Juanell's book was that I was angry at the person I was trying to forgive and before I can forgive her I have to deal with that anger Who that person is ? well I don't know if it's me or my mother
To answer your earlier question I can hope to understand but have no expectations
and as for churches *shrugs* well I have attended hundreds all over the world and have found only two things
1 Faith in Jesus Christ and
2 my own personal relationship with God
are all that really matters
The rest I leave to themselves
Jennie: I agree with you there. It still makes me sad though.
Lometa: I have asked God this week to help me understand why I have a hard time feeling satisfaction
with the things I do and his answer was others telling me they will pray for the right people to come into my life so now I have hope you see but I am trying to avoid the dangerous thinking of expectations because I get quite frustrated .
Jennie: Your log did help me understand some more.
Lometa: that is good:) I think it confused my readers It's a bit off the written path so to speak The voting rep is 19 (+25/-6)
Jennie:*L* To hell with the voting rep. I get the best stuff towards the bottom of the list frankly. But why no expectations? Is it to avoid disappointment?
Lometa: ah yes anger personified .
The source of expectations (as opposed to hope) is that I am trying to read minds or make predictions and well I am just not that powerful
grrr my letters are tiny and I can't figure out how to change them back
Lometa: of all fixed wonder what happened?
Jennie: I'm still not sure whether to give this to you or not but God gave me this scripture last week and it came to mind again.
"For by wise counsel you will wage your own war, And in a multitude of counselors there is safety." -Proverbs 24:6
Lometa: why do you think you are unsure?
Jennie: I think it's because I'm still learning how to hear from God. It's still all a little overwhelming for me. Sometimes I think I've gone a little crazy. My whole life has changed dramatically in a matter of weeks and each day there has been a battle between my mind and my spirit. Prayer keeps me going.
(This is a list for comprehension) .
To survey the verse first
Now as to questions and this will take time in thinking through....
Who are the counselors I ask?
What is it about
Well that is plain ...war
but a war for what?
When is plain Now.
Where is next ?
hmmm satisfactions with self, home , church, friends
What does this mean to me?
well I am afraid of large groups I have a hard time trusting others long enough to establish a friendship.
recite and review hmmm an interesting verse
God is The One and Only Truly Magic Invisible Pumpkin
Jennie:It would raise certain questions yes..
Lometa:there you see it don't you!
only super smart , intelligent and beautiful people can see it:)
Lometa:*whispers* God says He is a pumpkin
Jennie: Hebrews 11:1-4 : A definition of faith. It's amazing how clear this is to me now and before it made absolutely no sense. In that respect it concerns me just how hard it is for lost people to come to know God.
Lometa: now what are we doing in His pumpkin patch hmm ?
For by wise pumpkin you will wage your own war, And in a multitude of pumpkins there is safety." -Proverbs 24:6
Jennie:*LOL* Amazing what happens when the word counselor is changed to pumpkin.
Lometa : Jesus said we must have faith as little children no?
well they are always brimming with hopes
Hebrews 11: 4 ah yes Cain should have brought a pumpkin !
Jennie: *L* Yes. Why didn't he think of that?
Lometa: yes yes that's it!
fortune telling and predicting sets up faith to fail
I dunno what was Cain thinking ?
Jennie: A major revelation lately with me has been that the future is simply not predestined by God. People sit back and say "ahh well whatever happens will be God's will."
Lometa: destiny, yes destiny. No matter what we human beans think; to give up ideas about controlling well that is pumpkin and magic and invisible.
Why feel sad or guilty . Hope for and rejoice with your pumpkin!
Jennie: *l* Yes. But everyday we choose. Freewill has always been a dangerous toy to play with.
Lometa: freewill can be used dangerously yes indeed but it is also a great tool I am free to think what I want ! That is a revelation in itself
Jennie:Anyway. I should get going. Thanks for the chat Lo. Remember to keep praying for your nation in this time and for the wisdom of it's leaders. See you next time.
Lometa: you bet:) good night pumpkin!
An interesting conversation I think...... I don't get to have them as often as I would like but when I do it reminds me that I am still a teacher somewhere inside and I can recognize myself from time to time. About anger personified, prayers that seem unanswered leave me free to think what I choose.. Thoughts cannot be held captive or surrendered easily, there must be a will there and so I wondered about who I would like to paint my picture of anger.....would she be born classically beautiful in the sense of Botticelli; statuesque, prepared for battles with giants ala Donatelllo or surreal dripping revealing its shape in a pumpkinscape like Salvador Dalí ? Perhaps Francisco Goya would do a treacly job of depicting anger eating her children. But oh so puzzling and uninterpreable Hieronymus Bosch anger even lurks surrounded by the unkindness of ravens in a pumpkin patch of earthly delights ...he is too dark for my likes I think I would commission Claude Monet to paint my anger in my pumpkin patch. I like his idea of using impressions to express a moment of reality; a snap shot brushes of anger. Let's see what else about the wise pumpkins in my pumpkin patch ?
There is The One and Only World Famous Magic
Invisible Pumpkin I have even put it out front by the door on my little brown table with a sign that says Official, Truly Real, Magic Invisible Pumpkin Please Do Not Touch!! and peek through the kitchen window as friends look on and grin ..... and well so far
Don Marquis has sent along pete the parrot to wonder; would he have enough money to buy my pumpkin but I told him he can't have it for all the money in the worlds but I will give it to him for free! Oh and warty bliggins asked what has a pumpkin ever done for him while freddie the rat has scoffed and said "How stupid!" "There’s nothing there!" So I added a sign that says
Only Super-Smart Intelligent, and Beautiful People Can See It!!
Of course archy (a roach of the taverns) says that freddie will be eternally dropped over that fire escape in the alley because as long as he can't see The One and Only World Famous Magic Invisible Pumpkin he is dead dead dead.
The poet architect, The Hollow Man, okay if you haven't figured it out by now it is Eliot has given me a way to measure out my life with this pumpkin patch; he is after all an engineer with words where I can hang my picture and it would not be complete without some words to paint it would it not? While I contemplated about the fen with boom and dustpan I became very suspicious that The One and Only World Famous Magic
Invisible Pumpkin had disappeared, but being invisible it was hard to be sure until I found that note from from William Carlos Williams :
This is just to say
I've baked your pumpkin Lo;
it was delicious
and so spicey
At least he hopes
I will forgive him.
ummmmm I said stop that!
But no, I can be Linus Van Pelt with my blanket held high that says
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU BELIEVE AS LONG AS YOU'RE SINCERE!
I will wait for the Great Pumpkin while Charlie Brown goes door to door hoping for candy and getting rocks because sometimes Good Grief! That's life! and Sally is hopping mad inside me screaming there is no Great Pumpkin; angry because she thinks everyone else is out getting candy but her....then maybe I'll be able to see the the World War I Flying Ace
rising Snoopy in the light of the moon my invisible satisfaction zooming across a pumpkin patch.
Wallace Stevens who scares me a little (okay a lot but maybe it's because I don't know him well enough) with his baffling mirror held up to express how many way can I look at a pumpkin.
The pumpkin whirled in the autumn winds.
It was a small part of the pantomime.
I am a Jenny whirling in my white night gown disillusioned through the pumpkin patch at ten o 'clock.
Who will catch me?
It is at the edge of a pumpkin that love waits:
Would I wish out of the
marshy wetlands young children would cry
and brave young men would run
thinking the very earth was coming to life?
There is nothing left but the pumpkin
My towel is ripped apart,
and I will never be able to mend it.
There is nothing left but the pumpkin
that you gave us.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
I will never forget 42, never.
Dickinson hears a bustle in the patch and perches buzzing on my soul :
Emily, where are you going?
Sometimes I talk to that pumpkin and get no reply ; I wonder if it wants me to go away. Did you expect this to have a happy ending dear reader? Well no not this time but I do want to tell you that as my duty to art I feel compelled to contrast the great darknesses in my life with light, not that it's proportional, but here you go that is a clue. The light hurts, why won't it touch us gently? Because without it I would not see the beauty of the the hues nor the depth of the contrasts camped out at war in this orange unrhymable place with the wild circling yellow beast inside. I am annoyed, bothered, irked and vexed.
This is my truth tell me yours