Having other peoples perceptions of how you should live your life, and what you should be accomplishing really seems to destroy a lot of peoples lives. Family is supposed to be there for you and be supportive, not smother, control and drive your existance as if by joystick. I went through a relatively similar experience in my youth, labeled by my family as incapable of rational thought (my first discovery of ironic hypocrisy), and air mailed to specialists.
I am the first to admit i don't always play well with others, early this morning i started a debate in the e2 chatterbox about cut & pasting information from various sources into my 'factual' nodes. The thing is, i realise that i am not making friends, at least not in the traditional sense. I don't think anyone is a friend, if you make them a friend. People have to want to be your friend, regardless of whether or not they agree with your opinions. So I am not afraid to have an opinion, and i'm not afraid to be different. It just creates ripples in the illusionary smooth fabric of harmony.
I don't claim to have the edge on intelligence over everyone else, but i do believe that there are more than 1 kind of intelligence, since everyone has their own experience to guide exploration through the universe. I do not want to 'steal' other peoples 'intellectual property' but i also feel that property is a selfish motivation, particularly when this societys' haves decide to horde information for their own desires. I have no shame in using cut and paste methods to disseminate information from the internet into e2 for other people to read. I almost always put reference to sources of direct copy, though sometimes i may neglect to do so. Plausable deniability.
I have been trying, and succeeding at walking away from situations that get my adrenalin pumped. At times, i've discovered through the process of self-examination, I tend to neglect the feelings of a person over the mechanics of an argument. I never do this on purpose, but i suppose i feel threatened and use what tools i have available to deflect intrusion. I desire some kind of calm solution, or mutual compromise, although this is seldom possible.
I wrote my first 1 hour story tonight and noded it online. I think it was a success, though I find the process really scary since i don't know where i'm going with the words. I find it's the same as my pen and ink works, starting with a blank page and a blank mind.. things will build their own references which i can look back to.. but you have to start with an idea.. no matter how ludicrous or irrelevent it seems. Similar to how Gnutella works, you have 1 host (idea), which is linked to another, until the web of hosts grows large enough to find all that you look for.
I am feeling pretty lonely actually, like many other people. I know i'm not the only guy without a gf, but i don't know if I want one. The thought of having someone that close to me is frightening, it is such a large risk. It is easier to let my thoughts out in a semi-anonymous place like a daylog entry, than what seems a lot more revealing as my true feelings embedded within a stream of consciousness short story.
Being alone is rewarding, but neglecting courage to do new things and experience life to the full extent possible is a crime to your mind. Experience of all things will lead you towards the path of wisdom, i just some days feel like i chose to walk on the path dedicated to concorde jets. Facing that which you are afraid of will open doors you cannot imagine exist, since they are obscured by the human instinctual fear powered by primal chemical reactions. You can do anything you put your mind to, change whatever part of yourself you want to. All you have to do is decide to do it, and proceed without a look back. Repercussions themselves are part of the learning process. If you don't make mistakes, then your not living life properly. The key is to forgive others, forgive yourself and let yourself be forgiven. Give others the opportunity to grow, spite and hatred have no place in friendship. I know, i've felt it.. and i know its not right.
Sounds like some kind of lecture, but it is how i feel. Change has to come from inside you first, before it can manifest outward to others. Patience is a beautiful word, though it is also one of the most difficult.
I had a long talk with my friend Michelle, ex-study partner from British Columbia tonight. We both studied and passed the MCSE course last year, and worked on the same 1st contract together. We talked about not quite being independant, since she is still living at home at 28, and i am 29 living with a friend and his family at the moment. It's so important to have a place of your own that you can make your own. Decorate to suit your personality, and to have privacy within your own womb. I don't know how many other people out there are having a hard time getting personal space, but i hope those that do appreciate it fully.
I tried calling my bio-chemist friend Cindy in California, I used to visit her and her bf in Seattle. I remember sitting in a Starbucks watching snow drift by after watching them spin tracks at www.groovetech.com Saturday morning. There is a special feeling with Seattle, i can't quite place it, but the West Coast of Vancouver, and Seattle have knitted some kind of magical fabric in the air, it could just be all the wildlife and temperate rainforest intoxication. In California the telco charges by the minute for use of phones (at least in San Mateo). I find that concept criminal, but not unlike England.
I should have known caffeine was a bad idea, i had a large Tim Hortons coffee and a creuller. Caffeine really pumps my system, and is a dangerous drug. of course i will relive my teenage years and sleep til 4 or 5pm.