expendable
It's falling down around me, and I don't know what I can do about it. Nothing.
Betryal, apathy, melodrama, snobbery, bitch. I'm too emo. Fuck it all. But now... now things in my home of homes, my friends, my support, my world... they're beyond shaken up, they're gone. I still have a friend or two, thank god. Kat and Mike, whether they're together or not, will be my friends for a long time to come. I hope.
I couldn't see my nose despite my face or whatever... I couldn't see it, even though i saw it so crystal clear.
He had to have cheated on her. I saw it so vividly in the way he talked to Mary, the way he acted toward Mary, and the way theyt acted together... but no, it was just coincidence.
She really doesn't think i matter anymore does she? i'm inconsequential, all because i mattered to her. Selfish bitch. "I didn't want to get burned". Well, fuck you. Burn yourself to the ground for all I fucking care... Just don't take me with you god damnit. And that's exactly hat she did.
Now i'm drifting free. Nothing holding me back, nothing holding me down, nothing keeping me together. who knows where this will go. I'm actually kinda interested in seeing what happens now. Chaos and randomnity are the parents of creation, and they're taking over again. It makes life interesting, makes it seem . . . real. Cold randomnity is what created everything, and to cold randomnity it'll all return - and that's the pattern. The pattern is life.
But that's too far ahead. all i can see now is the fact that it's all gone, or at least the way things used to be. But they never really were. I was in denial about the fact that my absense had changed things and that things had changed in my absense. They can deal with it all, it's not my problem. But it is.
And she hates me. She'll never fucking be there again, never in my arms, never in her eyes, never anywhere except a place for me to feel the heat of hatred. Never understanding, never a home again.
I'm not going to blame myself for this, i've done that before. i know how things happened this time, and there's no denying it. She can feel however she wants to feel, but i'm not going to feel that. I have enough shit to deal with, whether she gives a fuck or not - but i don't really expect her to.
Now here's the big question: Why the hell do i give a fuck? Why does she contunie to get under my skin? I consistantly told myself not to give a fuck, because in the end i knew I was expendable, just like everyone else in her life. I tried to make her expendable. But fuck - nobody is, i just can't live that way.
I realized too late, after we become distant. Before i could talk to her about it, and after things had already drifted off to a world of miscommunication. So i moved on, too fast. That was over fast, but it affected her. Or did it? Or does she give a fuck? I'll never know, and that's the way she wants it to be.
Why did Angie have to twist the knife? Why did I let her?
And may her diety of choice forbid anything wasn't the way she wanted it to be, that's all she ever wanted - all she ever wants... But today, when i showed up it changed something - she didn't want me around. I wasn't part of her plan, so i ruined the plan. Now i'm alone again, and now she's 'moved on' too. or so she thinks. or is she? fuck. she knew it would torture me, she knew it would tear me apart, she knew i'd be in hell not knowing what to do about it, how she feels, or what she thinks about me, herself, or the whatever-it-was we once had.
Fuck it. It's over. It was nothing to begin with.
Then why does it feel this way?
Oh, by the way Sarah... Happy Birthday.
I wish things weren't this way, but I get the distinct feeling you just won't give a fuck either way. And if your real feelings on the subject are different, fuck you. Just know that I'm here, and if you're willing to talk about it I'll be more than happy. But I get a very, very strong feeling that you'd rather not. If that's the case, then fuck you - do a slow burn from the inside and see if I give a shit.