Yeah, okay, so, yeah, well, I went out with C last
night. Sort of. We went and had coffee and she spilled her guts about everything, just talking and talking and I was
listening, loving every second of it. Cars passed outside the
window to our right, in the cozy atmosphere of the Vicious Cirle, whose name may in fact be a little hint from God that
something is up, or it might just be that it's a really cool
name for a place. I'm beginning to think it's a message.
Afterwards we walk along a path north of downtown Calgary. You
could see the whole city from the precipice, below which lay
Prince's Island Park and the skyscrapers. We walk back and forth, back and forth along the path, going nowhere. She
talks about her current boyfriend, who is a manipulative jerk
of the worst order, and I am deeply sympathetic. Eventually
we sit on a bench and I try to explain my view of life, and
what her problems are as I see them; basically that she's
holding on to so much past that it's crushing her.
All is good until the boyfriend shows up. This guy seems
"normal". He's friendly and talkative, not as bad as what C tells me about. I understand that they won't fight in
front of me, but there's no tension, even. C falls perfectly
into the girlfriend role, and D takes the boyfriend role 100%.
It's so sick that I was sorry for C, but thinking about it
now... maybe things aren't so bad. Maybe I'm thinking too much. C is either 1) faking it or 2) enjoying it, right? What
else is there?
Today I talked to J about it on MSN, and she had a
completely different take on things. After explaining the
situation, the first thing she asked was "why are you
wasting your time?" Huh? I was trying to be nice... She
questioned me about it and after a while the only way to
rationalize what I was doing was to tell J that I loved C. The
response: "Oh, Mike, you're too young to even know what love is."
Excuse me? I know what love is. I read a good book and searched my feelings and my soul and from that I honestly believe that love is a thing not of words - that if you try and define it, it vanishes in a
puff of smoke. It's a feeling, but it's more, it's pure
existence. I know I have feelings of love for C. It's
not a neediness or a physical attraction, it's deeper than all
of that shit that makes up modern life.
But what J said has really cut into me. What the fuck am I doing? Am I being a friend or am I chasing what I can't
have? Is this whole "love" thing God's cheap parlour trick?
What I want is someone to tell me that J is wrong, that love
is real, and my relationship with C is alright. But maybe I'm
refusing to face the truth.
If any of you noders have been in my place, please feel free
to send me a /msg and tell me how it turned out.