Let us set the record straight. The following things did NOT occur at the Columbus, Ohio Noder Meet:

1. The Department of Homeland Security guys at the U.S. border demonstrated that they do not engage in profiling, and Swap’s Mexican citizenship did not lead to a delay during which they read his fingerprints, and insisted we provide the address of the house where our alleged "friends in Columbus" live.

2. Mordel remained sober.

3. The gods and content editors were immediately identifiable by superior good looks.

4. A fluke accident involving a leaky microwave bestowed upon the assembled noders super-powers suggested by our usernames. For the first time, we felt a certain relief that Jet-Poop was unable to attend.

5. En route to the fireworks, JD, Swap, and Walter stopped to see if the burly, side-shaved, helmet-free easy rider was, in fact, IronGoth.

6. Those who went to see the fireworks moved through the building with Ninja-like stealth, calling no undue attention to themselves.

7. RyanMM, suffering from a mysterious sapping of his energy, dragged his ass all weekend.

8. LaggedyAnne failed to live up to her reputation for cuddliness.

9. Eien meru, poker-player-like, concealed the fact that he thinks Swap is hot.

10. No one commented on Two Sheds’ startling resemblance to Art Garfunkel.

11. Only recent catbox trolls turned up, and they sat around saying things like, "ur a bitch," and insisting that they were leaving, never to return.

12. Tiefling dressed far too casually for the occasion.

13. The Starliner Diner’s décor made perfect sense, and dann, especially, could readily see the logic in covering a diner's walls with Elvis art, 1950s car ads, Margaret Keane's disturbing paintings of big-eyed waifs, a spaceship that appears to be the result of an ogre's attempts at origami, a sun-and-moon mural, and scores of clocks set at disparate times.

14. The host and hostess, despite the relatively small number of people who turned out, failed to provide a heartfelt welcome, and everything really fucking sucked.

15. The following statements were not delivered, clearly and distinctly, by the people to whom they are attributed:

  • "It’s basically badly-drawn hamster porn."

  • "My arch-nemesis: the ground."

  • "My eye socket is not huge enough."

  • "You are the dog that no one likes."

  • "It was good, but it didn't make me convert to gnosticism.... I think that should be the standard for films: whether or not they encourage people to convert to esoteric theologies."
    --Cletus the Foetus

  • "Touch this. It feels like a breast implant."
    --Void Ptr

  • "I don’t have an opposable thumb on my dick."

  • "This chair-and-a-half kicks ass. It’s not quite a chesterfield. It’s more than a chair."

  • "The whore gets off her bicycle and walks up to the hearse, and she says, ‘yo! Remember me? I blew you at Motörhead.'"

  • "...Not that I think tits per se are retarded."

  • "It was an honor, a delight, a pleasure, and simply a fucking incredible experience to be in the company of such fine, funny, intelligent, geeky, awesome people. You are my new family."