I attended an uncle's funeral in the past couple of months. I know that funerals are probably one of the worst times imaginable for everyone in attendance. The family, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances of the deceased are all dealing with the loss of this person.

The friends, co-workers, and acquaintances have the added burden of trying to be comforting to the bereaved family. They feel as if they have to say things, when in actuality their very presence is enough. Because of this need to say something, we must endure the most inane comments ever to pass the lips of man.

My least favorite of all of the comments that I heard at the last funeral I attended was "He looks so natural. It's like he is just sleeping." First of all, he doesn't look natural; he looks dead. Everything that is important about the man has left his body, and all that is left is a lifeless shell that has been pushed, prodded and generally manipulated, so that we can all stare at the corpse for a couple of hours before we bury it under six feet of dirt. Secondly, if the person saying this thinks that they just look asleep, remind me never to be severely ill with this person as my primary caregiver.

I have decided that this kind of tripe will not be dished out at my funeral. I have already begun to get my friends to agree to squirt anyone stupid enough to speak such trash with squirt guns. Sure, it's not "respectful of the dead," but as the "dead," I figure I can do what I want.